Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
A/N I don't have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.
Song inspiration for this chapter: I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love - Chicago
A Love So Beautiful
Edward uncovers my mouth and for a few moments I simply gape at him, completely shocked by his audacity at intruding into my room at night, like a common thief. The Edward I knew almost five years ago would have never dared to enter my room.
"What are you doing?" I hiss. He looks dishevelled, his cravat is missing as well as his coat and his white shirt is dirty. "How did you manage to get into my room?"
"I needed to see you," Edward says as I sit myself in bed. He's staring at me and I suddenly remember I'm wearing nothing but a cotton nightgown. Rapidly, I gather my sheets and cover my chest with them. The nightgown is not what one would call indecent, but I'm self-conscious about being so exposed in front of Edward.
"If you needed to see me, why didn't you call at a decent hour? This is not exactly the time and place for us to have a chat, Edward." I narrow my eyes and try to convey with them the level of my irritation.
"I tried to call on you this afternoon. However, your aunt was most adamant that you were visiting a friend in the country and were not at home at the moment. I knew she was lying because you would have written to Alice to let her know you were leaving for the countryside. I couldn't call her out on her lie though, so I sought other means to see you. I know about Victoria's visit this afternoon."
"Oh," I reply dumbly. I'm surprised Aunt Leah lied on my behalf. I'll have to ask her about it later. "There really isn't anything to be said about Victoria's visit. It was unpleasant and unnecessary. I already made it clear to her that I have no interest in pursuing you."
Edward flinches as if I've hurt him with my words, but I don't take them back. Compared to the pain he has caused me thus far this is but a prickling.
"In spite of whether you're interested in me or not, I felt it was necessary for me to apologize on Victoria's behalf," he replies. "I've put her in a very difficult position. She's between the Devil and the deep blue sea and knows it, which has caused her to grow desperate."
"What exactly are you doing?" I enquire. I have to admit that I'm intrigued by Edward's certainty that he can gain a divorce from Victoria. She didn't seem at all inclined towards granting Edward a divorce.
"I suppose I should tell you," he whispers, coming closer towards me. I sink further against my pillows, afraid of my reaction if Edward were to touch me. I don't want to discover what I'm willing to allow him if he touches me.
"You guess correctly. I don't like being kept in the dark, and whatever your designs on me are, they are affecting me."
"You know what my intentions are," Edward says trying to grab my hand with one of his. I take it back and place both hands under my coverlet. Edward looks hurt once again, but he continues undeterred. "I want to make you my wife. I've wanted to make you my wife since I was a child. I've been in love with you for years, surely you know that."
I clench my eyes shut, absorbing Edward's words. I've wanted to hear those words for so long, it almost hurts to hear them now, when everything is so impossibly complicated.
"Edward," I sigh and reopen my eyes. Edward is closer, so close that if he leans in just a few more inches he'll be kissing me. I want him to kiss me.
He lifts his hand and grazes my cheek with his knuckles. There's a feeling of adoration that engulfs me when I look into his eyes, and I wish that I could be as bold and reckless as I was at sixteen. Life has hurt me too much; Edward has wounded me too deeply. I don't have it in me to risk my heart as thoughtlessly as I did back then.
"Don't you think I'm scared too?" Edward asks after a few silent moments. "I've dreamt about seeing you, touching you again for so many years I'd almost convinced myself you were a figment of my imagination. Love like the one I feel for you could not be real. The moment I saw you again it all came back to me though. For almost five years I've missed you desperately, loved you hopelessly, longed for you most ardently, and now you're here."
"Now I'm here," I interject in a soft murmur.
"Yes," Edward smiles. "Now you're here and I'll do what I have to do to keep you. I'll fight my family, destroy my reputation, fight that suitor that follows you around, anything to have you by my side."
"I don't want you to fight Peter," I reply. I love Peter and I love Edward. In different ways but I love them both. I don't want to see any of them hurt on my account. But as I think this I know one or both of them will be hurt when all is said and done.
"I don't want to hurt anyone either. I'm not a cruel man, Bella. However, he's trying to steal away my reason for being, the only hope I have left to be happy. I'll fight for my happiness this time."
"I'm not your happiness, Edward."
"You know you are. I've tried to live without you, Bella. For five years I've been a ghost of my old self. You make me whole. And I'm certain that even though you deny it, you still harbour some feelings for me. I know that after all the pain that I've caused you, you may not feel about me as deeply as you once did. However, I can also see that I still affect you, so deep down, I know you care."
I do. I care, so much. I'm frustrated and annoyed at myself for caring and being unable to let go. I wish I could just let him go and marry Peter. I refocus on the matter at hand, trying to forget about my feelings for a moment, and ask Edward about his plans again.
"Why did you threaten Victoria with a scandal? She said that you gave her the choice to request the divorce, that you would give her proof. But she also said that if she refused you warned her that you would request the divorce yourself. I don't understand, Edward. I know it's not easy to get a divorce in this country? What are your plans exactly?"
Edward straightens himself and I see a dark cloud cross his features before he replies.
"I've known for while that Victoria was not comporting herself as the married lady she is. I have no interest in her as a wife and will never have, so I looked the other way for at least two years now. I know that Alice told you about Elizabeth, so you must know already that for a small amount of time guilt moved me to try to give my marriage to Victoria a chance. However, it wasn't long before I realised there was nothing I could do that would make me love Victoria. So I left her at Masen House and moved to the townhouse in London. I didn't seek a divorce before because I believed there was no hope for us anymore.
"I cowardly buried myself in work and didn't enquire about you because I was certain you'd be married and happy in New York by now. So I built myself into the most powerful, most unhappy man in England while my wife made a cuckold of me with my tacit permission. It didn't matter to me what she did."
"And now it does," I say, shocked by Edward's revelation. After all Victoria did to keep me and Edward apart she was ready to risk it all to have someone to warm her bed at night? I don't know if I'm angry or if I pity her.
Edward nods, "It does, because it means I can be free to be with you. I gave her a choice. I was willing to take the blame, pay witnesses to say that I was cruel and mistreated her, pay as many women as I had to pay to say that I've been unfaithful. In honour of Elizabeth's memory I wanted to give her the opportunity to walk away from this marriage as the victim. But she refuses. She doesn't believe I'd risk a scandal of the magnitude that her betrayal would become. She doesn't think I'd risk my family's reputation, or Alice's since she's married to Victoria's brother. What she doesn't know is that I don't care about anyone's happiness but mine anymore. I've given up too much on behalf of my family's honour and good name. I owe them nothing more."
I take in every word Edward says, every possibility that this may all be a dream. For years I've tried to make myself forget him, tried to make myself erase his kisses and his love from my memory. And I can't. I couldn't. I don't think I ever will be able to.
"Bella, if there's a part of you that still loves me, please wait for me. I know that five years is a long time, but you've already waited that long. I know that you are not the lass I knew before you left, but one aspect of our relationship still holds true. I love you, and I know you care for me as well. You may not love me with the same intensity, because I've mucked up every chance I had to be with you, but if you didn't love me at all you would not hesitate to marry Mr Rothschild."
It's true. I have to determine though if the love I feel for him is something I need in my life. It may be wonderful to be in Edward's arms, to become his wife and someday carry his child. But am I prepared to face the consequences of my actions? Am I prepared to face the scandal, the scorn of society? Am I prepared to hurt the only friend I've had these last few years? Peter doesn't deserve the pain. I know he feels deeply for me and he has suffered enough.
"Peter loves me."
"I know," Edward replies. "But Bella, if there's one thing I've learned from this whole debacle is that the love of one person can't hold a marriage. I believe Victoria loved me, or thought she did at one point in time. It wasn't enough to keep us together. Not even the tragedy of the loss of our daughter was enough. Only love is enough to keep two people together. If you marry him without loving him you'll be condemning him to a lifetime of halves. He'll have half of you, half of your heart, half of your soul. He'll give you his whole and all you will be able to give him in return will be half of you. Do you think that's any fairer than breaking his heart now? He'll suffer no matter what you do. One suffering is long term, the other he may recover from in time."
Edward's words bring forth my aunt's own words.
"Bella, you're a grown woman now. Not the child you were when this whole situation started. If you love him, if you truly feel he's your fate, then fight for him. But only if being by his side will make you happy. Do not hold on to a memory.
"If he waited all these years he can wait a few more months. You must reacquaint yourself with him. Know him for the man he is today not the lad you used to love. As for Peter, he's an intelligent man. Be honest with him as any friend would, and if he decides to fight for your affections, then I think you should allow it."
"Okay," I say and Edward's whole face lights up with a hopeful smile.
"Okay, you'll wait?" He asks in an eager voice.
"Not exactly," I reply and I see his face fall. "I'll wait. I'll speak with Peter and let him know that you intend to divorce Victoria and have already set things in motion to such end. However, I'll give him the choice to court me if he wishes to. I also need to reacquaint myself with you. For obvious reasons you can't court me, but I'm willing to allow you to pay calls— chaperoned visits— and you can write to me. Once your situation with your wife is settled you can court me and we can see if we still have a future together."
"So he can openly court you but I'm limited to chaperoned visits and letters?" Edward asks in a sardonic tone, his eyes reflecting a feeling of mutiny brewing inside him.
"I don't know yet if he will want to court me knowing I'm willing to give our relationship a second chance, depending on your divorce. However, you are in no position to make demands of me. You're a married man, Edward, as much as you would like to pretend you aren't."
"I know," he says in a conciliatory tone. "I know that I'm in no position to make demands, but just the idea that he can escort you to balls and be with you freely while I'm relegated to the shadows. It sickens me. I wish things could be different, I wish I were in equal standing with Mr Rothschild. I know none of this is your fault, and I understand why you feel the need to be cautious, but I can't help but wish that I could love you openly."
"You're right, none of it is my fault, but I'm tired of rehashing old stories and dwelling in the past. You asked for a second chance, and the moment you're once again unattached, I'm willing to give it to you. But do not ask me to put my life on hold indefinitely or refrain from exploring my other choices. I don't know who you are anymore, and I need to know the man you're now as well as be certain that you're to be trusted before I can fully commit to you. It's all that I can promise you. Now please leave before we are discovered and my father decides to kill you. How did you manage to sneak into my room? You never said how."
"The trellis outside your window, I knew from past visits to your townhouse which room was yours, and I've climbed that trellis before. It's a lot harder to do at twenty one than it was at sixteen though." He smiles sheepishly.
"You climbed that trellis before? When?" I ask perplexed.
"The first time we came to London after you left Masen House. I knew you would be in America by then, but I needed to feel close to you. I was drunk and sad and feeling utterly pathetic, so I climbed the trellis and fell asleep on your bed. It was quite sad really."
My heart squeezes at Edward's confession. I know that I was not at my best either when I first arrived to the Vineyard. If I could have gone someplace where I felt close to Edward I would have gone, regardless of how pathetic I might have looked to the outside observer.
"You weren't the only one who was hurting. I was not fit for company the first few months we stayed at Martha's Vineyard. If it wasn't for Peter's friendship I would probably still be hiding in my bedroom, avoiding society," I admit.
I can see that my mention of Peter's importance in my life doesn't sit well with Edward but he doesn't comment.
"Very well, I'll leave. I assure you, Bella, you won't see Victoria again in your life if I can't help it. I'm very sorry for whatever she said to you. If it was anywhere near as hurtful as what she said to me I can imagine how dreadful it must have been for you. Just remember that I'm doing my best to get her out of my life once and for all."
I try not to linger in what Victoria said but I can't help but think of the possibility that she may be saying the truth. What if Edward and her have been living separately but still acting as husband and wife? Like I said to Edward, there are so many things about him that I don't know. All I know about him is that he claims to love me enough to go against his family and society to marry me. Will I be able to let go of his past, our past, though?
This is not the time and place to discuss my insecurities or doubts. So I ask Edward to hand me my robe so I can walk him to my window.
He complies without hesitation, and turns so I can cover myself. Once we are facing each other again, I can feel it, the buzzing energy that sizzles between us whenever we are in close proximity. This closeness, in a space that is my space, my private solace, muddles my feelings and makes me dizzy. Dizzy with longing and the desire to close the distance between us and wrap my arms around him until we melt into each other. Edward must be feeling the same way because he extends his arm in invitation. I go without thinking, and he holds me tight in his embrace.
He doesn't push or ask for more, he simply holds me as tightly as I hold him. He breathes me into his lungs as I breathe him into mine and we bask, at last, in the closeness that we have craved for longer than we can remember.
-x-X-x-
"I have an urgent matter and I had to see you before you left the house," Peter replies. I can see in his eyes that whatever brought him to my home this morning, is an important matter and he wishes to speak alone.
"I'll go get Mrs Black," Bessie says as she prepares to leave the room. It's usual protocol that I should receive visitors in my chaperone's presence. However, Peter is a friend and is not unusual that we should be allowed to speak in private.
"Please, Bessie. Do not disturb my aunt. Mr Rothschild is a family friend and I'll be perfectly safe to receive him in private."
"Very well, Miss," Bessie replies before leaving. From the taut expression on her face I can guess that she's concerned about what others might construe of this meeting, but if Peter needs to discuss something in private then I shall do my best to provide such privacy. I have important matters to discuss with him as well.
"I'm glad you're here," I say as soon as Bessie leaves the room. "I have some important news to discuss with you."
"I have as well. But please begin, my news can wait," Peter replies.
We take seats across from each other and I square my shoulders before I start. I know Peter will not find what I have to say to his liking.
"Edward and I have spoken. He revealed that Victoria has been unfaithful and he has the means to demonstrate this and be granted a divorce. I've agreed to consider his suit if he manages to divorce Victoria. I've also informed him that I would tell you about this and let you have the choice of whether you want to continue to court me or not. I'll understand if you're angered by my decision, but if I'm to decide—and stay true to my decision— then I need to have the chance to evaluate my options. I give you the same choice. I need you to know that I'm certain that if anyone can make me forget about Edward that person is you, but I also need to give myself the chance to see if Edward can prove me wrong and regain my trust."
I don't even take a breath as I spill the words as fast as I can. I need to say this and I know that if I give myself the time to catch any signs of pain or disappointment in Peter's expression I'll backpedal.
Peter remains silent for a long time. I can see the emotions as they filter through his face, shock, anger, defiance, confidence, and forbearance.
"I can't deny that I'm not happy with this turn of events, more so in the present circumstances. However, I can't say that I'm surprised. Edward and you have a long history and until he proves you that he's no longer the boy you fell in love with you'll hold on to his memory with all of your strength. It wasn't until I saw Maria in the arms of another man that I realised her true nature. Therefore, I agree with you that you should familiarise yourself with Edward, and who he is now, so you can move forward with your live."
I stare owlishly at Peter surprised by his levelheadedness and understanding of my situation. I honestly expected him to be infuriated by my decision, at the very least annoyed with it.
"Thank you," I reply in an astonished daze.
"There's nothing to thank me for. Do not mistake my acceptance of this situation with a sign of surrender. If Edward intends to fight for your love then I intend to fight relentlessly as well," Peter says in a firm, decisive tone.
I nod and in an attempt to change the subject for the time being, ask him about the reason behind his early morning visit.
"I've received a letter from America," he answers. "In it my lawyer urges me to return post-haste. My mother has fallen quite ill with a fever and the doctor is not certain that she will survive it."
"Oh, Peter! I'm so incredibly sorry. I'm here plaguing you with foolish concerns when you have such crisis weighing down on you. I'll call for my aunt and we will pack our bags immediately to leave with you. Aunt Leah cares so very deeply for your mother—"
"No need," Peter interjects cutting me off. "I think that you should stay."
"But, Peter…" I murmur, slightly hurt that he doesn't want my company in such a difficult time.
"No, it's nothing against you. I feel as strongly for you as I did yesterday. I only see this as an opportune turn of events. My mother is a survivor and I'm almost certain that she will defeat whatever ails her. However, I'm also confident that if I stay I will hover and will not allow Lord Cullen to have a proper opportunity to prove himself a worthy man of your affections. I'll return to America in the next available ship and stay there until my mother recovers, then I shall return and you'll have more than sufficient time to decide whether you want me or Lord Cullen as your husband."
"I don't want to take advantage of your mother's illness to decide on the future of my love life," I declare, bowled over by Peter's news and his decision.
"Don't see this situation from that angle. As I said, see it as an opportunity to evaluate your life without any outside influence. I want you to choose me for myself, not for our history or our friendship. I'm sure Lord Cullen wishes for the same. You already know me and my intentions, so I'll allow Lord Cullen the chance to show you his. If by the end of my time away he has proven he deserves you then I shall step aside and let you be happy with him."
"Oh, Peter," I bemoan in consternation. "I do not deserve you!"
Peter smiles gently, that soft smile that makes me feel warm and safe.
"My mother once told me that love is not deserved, but freely given. I tend to take her words to heart since she has proven herself wise in all other matters. I give you my love, Bella. Now it's left to you to decide whether you want it or not."
Before he leaves, Peter embraces me tightly and I cannot help but compare this hug to the one I shared with Edward the night before. Both fill me with warmth, tenderness, and a sense of security that I crave in such tumultuous time. I realise I could come to love Peter as profoundly as I love the old Edward I know from five years ago. Will I still love Edward the same way once I hear about his past and present in his own words?
The time has come for me to make a decision and remain true to it. I will give Edward his chance, and when Peter returns, I promise to myself I will let both know what my heart needs most: Peter's devotion or Edward's passion.
Sorry about no review replies and taking two weeks to update, but the closer I get to my exams the more stressed out I get. It'll be over soon, hopefully. Send me good vibes, please!
And on top of that my German shepherd, Sirius, had a heatstroke and I had the biggest scare of my life. Poor thing couldn't even move he was so decompensated! If you heard of a good diet for dogs let me know. He's too overweight and I need to make him lose some weight stat!
By the by, I totally outlined the rest of this fic and I think we are looking at 5 or 7 more chapters and an Epi? As long as I don't get too wordy! lol
Fic Rec: The Second Son Of A Duke by For3ver Immortal— It's complete. Historical Romance. I haven't read it in its entirety yet, but so far me likey!
0 comments:
Post a Comment