Quick A/N:
There's a play list here -playlists
section-that goes with this chapter, if you
want to listen to some music while
you read, or want to listen to what I
listened while I was writing. DISCLAIMER: Some lucky lady named Stephenie
Meyer owns Twilight!I don’t own a thing,
just playing with her Universe._________________________________________________
Chapter 5: Wounds of the Past
"Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts."
Lyrics "Love hurts" Nazareth version
"Wait!" Bella heard herself yell.
Only it wasn't her voice. She was standing in an empty street and someone was walking in front of her.
"For what exactly?" a male voice responded angrily, though Bella could also detect the underlying pain there as well. She looked in the direction of the voice and found herself face-to-face with a pair of mesmerizing forest-green eyes—the exact green eyes that had held her spellbound all week… But why were they on the wrong face?
"I'm waiting, Marie," the boy snapped, bitterness tainting his tone. "What I don't know is why. Why should I wait? Why should I care?"
Bella was profoundly confused. Who was this boy? Why was he calling her by her middle name? Why did he seem to know her? And most of all why did she have these deep, intense emotions coursing through her for someone she didn't know?
"I still love you," Bella heard her new voice answer him in barely a whisper.
The boy turned away in response to her words, causing her heart to crack. Before Bella could comprehend the pain, the boy abruptly turned to face her once more, and in a small trembling voice, he replied, "I still love you, too."
Bella felt her breaking heart suddenly swell with joy. She was stunned; the feeling was overwhelming, as though happiness had been missing from her life for so long it was foreign.
"It's irrelevant," the boy with Edward's captivating green eyes continued. "No matter how much we love each other, all we ever seem to do is hurt one another. At this rate we'll end up killing each other. Is that really what you want, Marie?"
"No," Bella heard herself reply meekly. Then she saw a hand she did not recognize – though obviously attached to her body – reach out and grab the boy's hand. "But this year apart nearly killed me, Anthony. Please…" she begged, squeezing the boy's hand in hers. "A life without you is no life at all."
Bella could feel herself holding back the tears trying so desperately to escape her eyes. But she refused to blink. As long as she didn't, nothing she feared would come true. Even in the unfamiliar mind which Bella found herself, she knew two things: if she blinked the tears would come, and if she blinked the boy, whose hand she now held, would disappear. She could not return to feeling dead inside. The boy's confession had ignited a spark she thought had long since died, and to have it extinguished now would be like dying a second death. Instead, she concentrated on the fact that he loved her still – she could work with that.
The boy's green eyes darkened and filled with unshed tears at Bella's admission. Sighing deeply, he began to pull away from her grasp, struggling slightly against her feeble attempts to maintain her hold. The moment he broke free, she knew it was the end. She had lost, and she had lost him.
Once Anthony had moved a few steps away, he squared his shoulders and stared at her with such contempt it chilled Bella's very soul. There was no denying it; this boy hated her just as much as he loved her.
"Really?" the boy spat at her, enraged. Bella's body flinched from the depth of the hatred in his voice. "So you drinking with him, partying with him, doing drugs with him," he paused, fisting his hands in his hair, gritting his teeth before continuing. "Fu-fucking him and doing God only knows what else with him over this last year was what? You in Heaven, or you in Hell? Since you now tell me that you were dead and had no life without me." Unable to sustain his harsh composure, the boy's voice broke slightly with his final words, causing Bella to finally spill the tears she could no longer contain.
"Anthony," she whispered, her voice quivering, incapable of forming words.
"No," the boy growled, "now you're going to listen to me. I'm sick and tired of being your doormat, of being a joke in this pitiful town. 'Oh poor Anthony, his only girlfriend was screwing some other guy behind his back,'" he said, making air quotes to emphasize the hurtful words.
"I'm tired of the gossip; I'm tired of you following me around; and I'm tired of you asking for forgiveness. I have no strength left to even look at you without feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I'm tired of this game we've played ever since I came back. Yes! God help me!" The boy roared, articulating every syllable as if uttering the words caused him actual physical pain. "I still love you! But I won't continue to allow you to do the same things to me over and over again. We all have our limits, Marie. And I have reached mine."
Bella's whole body trembled at his words and the chill crawling up her spine left her numb in its powerful wake. She felt ashamed, although she knew nothing of what the boy accused her of doing and she had no idea who the him was. Yet she still knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was telling the truth; she had done those things. She began to weep.
She cried for the love she had so recklessly destroyed, and for the beautiful, loving boy she had turned into the hard, bitter man who now stood before her. She also sobbed over her own blackened soul and how she tainted the souls of those foolish enough to love her.
At that moment, as she spiraled into despair, his hand caressed her cheek. His touch was her lifeline; it was what she craved. Though, Bella herself didn't know who he was, her heart and soul recognized his. Bella looked up at him through her swollen eyes, and even in the pouring rain, she could see that he, too, was crying.
He grabbed her by the arms, pulling her into his chest. He hugged her with all his might, while burying his nose into her wet hair. In an instant, Bella found her senses were overwhelmed by Edward's familiar scent. They both stood clutching one another as if they were drowning, hoping the other would save them.
"Please, stop this downward spiral. I can't save you if you don't want to be saved," the boy pleaded, caressing her face. He stared straight into her eyes, looking for an answer to some unspoken question. After a few moments he retreated, and with those few steps she could feel the icicles return to her heart.
"I can't do this anymore," he breathed barely above a whisper. But Bella caught his words, and felt as though she was at last frozen solid.
"Take care of yourself, mon amour," the boy said with a bit more strength. Bella smiled, momentarily forgetting the severity of their situation. Her icy heart thawed slightly at his use of the endearment, a pet name he had given her in a much happier time.
"Goodbye," the boy finally spoke in a broken voice, "this will be the last time you ever see me, but know I will always love you." With those words he turned and left Bella standing in the rain. She fell to her knees on the wet pavement, utterly desolate, her only companion the street lights and the occasional lightning that illuminated the dark sky.
Bella heard her voice, hoarse from crying, scream, "Anthony!"
-x-x-x-x-
Edward wasn't sure where he was. His heart and his mind were in such turmoil and he had no control over this body. He knew he had just left that brown-eyed girl sobbing in the street, but he didn't know who she was or why it made him feel as though he wanted to die.
He could feel a hole forming in his chest—one he himself had caused when he walked away from the beautiful brunette that smelled like Bella. He knew this was not the first time he had walked away, but he knew this would be the last. Something in this chaotic mind told him he would not come back, even if it killed him to stay away.
He could hear the girl's sobbing voice, calling him, begging him to come back to her, and it tore his soul even further. Edward felt as though he were fighting every instinct to continue walking away. He knew all he truly wanted was to be with her.
His strength was rapidly being depleted by the battling forces within. One part wanted to give up and go to her, while the other part knew that if he did she would break his heart all over again. He didn't trust her – that much Edward knew – even though he didn't know exactly why. Without trust love isn't enough.
He was so exhausted by his inner conflict he collapsed, clutching his body in pain as he fell to the sidewalk. Edward could hear his voice, foreign to his own ears, howling in anguish, a pain that could never be soothed and burned at his heart.
It had but one name. "Marie!" he heard himself scream.
-x-x-x-x-
Tanya was awoken by two screaming voices. The fog of sleep kept her from understanding the words at first. But as the veil lifted from her mind, she heard two names she hadn't heard said aloud together in almost 16 years.
"Marie!" she heard Edward yell.
"Anthony!" she heard Bella wail. Her skin prickled at the mention of those names. To preserve her peace of mind, she had long ago blocked them from her memory.
Hastily she grabbed her robe and a flashlight from the nightstand and ran for the door. As her trembling hands reached for the handle those painful, long forgotten memories rushed back, flashing through her mind, freezing her in place.
It was her daughter's voice that broke through and released her from the prison of the past.
"Mom!" she heard Alice call in a desperate tone.
Tanya blinked and shook her head slightly, disconnecting from the haze of the past, and ran to the aid of her only daughter.
-x-x-x-x-
Alice was frantic; she had never seen Edward's nightmares so intense. But before she could get to him and bring him back from his anguished state, she found herself standing in complete darkness, with two people she cared about both needing her help. She called out for her mother.
A few moments later, her mom appeared in the hallway, holding a flashlight and walking swiftly to where Alice stood in front of their guest room.
"What's going on?" Tanya asked worriedly.
"Edward and Bella are having nightmares. Please mom, go check on Bella. I'll go see Edward, he needs me," Alice beseeched.
"Of course," Tanya nodded, giving her daughter's hand a reassuring squeeze. She knew of Edward and Alice's closeness.
She ran to Alice's room where she found Bella thrashing on the air mattress. "Wake up sweetie," Tanya tried shaking Bella's shoulder with a little force.
Bella stopped moving and opened her eyes. Tanya almost screamed at the all-white orbs staring back.
"Tanya," she heard a very familiar voice say. A voice she hadn't heard in more than 15 years.
Bella grabbed Tanya's wrist and whispered slowly, "where is Anthony?"
Tanya trembled in fear, completely unnerved. Her world turned black.
-x-x-x-x-
Alice slowly approached Edward's bed. From past experiences she knew it was best not to startle him when he was like this. She would often soothe him with a light touch to his hand or forehead, lessening the possibility of him punching her in his fright.
Although he was unconscious, she knew if he hurt her he would blame himself. Edward always placed the responsibility squarely on his own shoulders.
Once she was close enough, she gently caressed his cheek, slowly trying to calm him with her touch. "Edward," Alice whispered, "Edward, wake up."
Edward almost convulsed when he heard Alice's voice, agonizing moans coming from deep within his chest.
"Edward, please," Alice insisted, "please, please, wake up."
"Marie," Edward whispered one final time before his agitated breathing started to even out.
Who is this Marie chick? Alice wondered. Edward definitely had some explaining to do.
He stopped moving and opened his eyes slowly. Alice smiled; Edward was going to be okay. She was proud of herself for once again bringing her cousin back from his nightmares.
"Alice?" Edward blinked, trying to get his bearings.
"Yay!" Alice was tempted to jump up and down. The force of Edward's nightmare had frightened her. She had been scared she might not be able to wake him.
As Edward looked around, he recognized the bedroom and his cousin. He was still affected by the pain he had endured during his nightmare, but what shocked him the most was the fact that he could remember it at all.
"I remember, Alice," Edward whispered.
"Huh?" Alice asked, not sure she had heard correctly.
"I remember my nightmare," he said more forcefully.
Alice was momentarily stunned into silence by Edward's confession. Not once in all the years he had suffered had he been able to remember the nightmares. "Really?" she asked.
"Really," Edward confirmed.
"Well then we have much to discuss little cousin," Alice said, ruffling Edward's hair like she did when they were younger.
"I'm only two weeks younger than you!" Edward laughed briefly, forgetting the painful memories of his nightmare, until he heard Bella scream from the next room.
"Bella!" Alice said, jumping from the bed and running to her room, with Edward right behind.
"What's going on?" Alice demanded, entering her room and seeing her mother lying unconscious in Bella's lap.
"I don't know," Bella replied, "I was sleeping, and when I woke up I found your mom like this."
"Edward, please help me get mom to my bed," Alice pleaded.
Edward knelt down and with Bella's help he lifted his Aunt Tanya's limp body onto the mattress.
"I'll go get some smelling salts or something to wake her," Alice quickly ran out of the room.
"So…" Edward began, "you just woke up and found Aunt Tanya passed out in your lap?"
"Er… " Bella was hesitant to tell him that the frequent nightmares she thought were gone had returned and that is what woke her. But looking into Edward's eyes and remembering what this Marie had done in her dreams made her feel as though she were betraying Edward's trust. So instead she shared what she was comfortable with. "I had a bad dream and I woke up with her like that."
"A bad dream?" Alice snorted from the door. "If you call screaming your lungs out, calling for someone named Anthony, having a bad dream, then yes, I'd say you had a bad dream."
At the mention of Anthony's name Edward was shocked and turned to look in Bella's direction. Had they shared the same dream? He was determined to find out.
-x-x-x-x-
After Alice managed to wake her mom, Tanya had quickly retreated to her bedroom, stating it was more than likely low blood sugar and that she just needed to lie down.
Bella had offered to help Alice get Tanya to her room, but Tanya recoiled at Bella's touch. To both Edward and Bella, she appeared panicked at the thought of being close to Bella. But each dismissed the idea as ridiculous. What could possibly make a grown woman afraid of a fifteen year old girl?
They all returned to their own beds and the remainder of the night was uneventful. The next morning, Alice desperately wanted to talk to both Edward and Bella about the night's events. But Tanya had errands to run, which apparently required Alice's assistance.
When Alice revealed that Bella's dad wasn't due to pick her up until noon, Edward saw his chance. Finally, alone time with Bella. Edward's house was within walking distance of Alice's so he invited Bella to spend the morning with him, tempting her with a piano performance.
Bella simply couldn't resist. Alone time with Edward, combined with a piano performance was Bella's idea of heaven. She sent her dad a text, giving him the new address where he should pick her up and as little info as possible about her change of plans. She didn't want him giving her grief over spending her Saturday morning with a boy. She didn't actually know how he would react since she had never had a boyfriend, but she didn't want to risk it. So she only said she would be going to a friend's house nearby.
Bella couldn't understand why, but the streets leading to Edward's house looked familiar. She was sure she had never been in this part of town, but somehow even the trees triggered a sense of nostalgia in her heart. However, nothing could have prepared her for the longing she felt once they reached their destination.
Edward's home was a lovely white mansion, in the middle of a meadow, surrounded by forests. It looked as though it belonged in a fairytale. But there was a sadness to the house that hinted that maybe it was a fairytale gone awry, in which the princess never woke up and the prince married the witch.
Bella's heart clenched at the thought.
Once inside Edward atypically yelled for his mother. Esme Cullen didn't like screaming in her house, but something about Bella made him feel his age, like he hadn't in… well, ever.
"Mom! I'm home and I brought a friend!" Edward shouted.
He knew he wouldn't receive an answer. Esme would die before raising her voice above what was acceptable for a lady, but at least he had made his presence known.
"Is your mom really here?" Bella asked when after a few minutes they received no answer.
"She is," Edward nodded. "She'll show up in a little while probably with a platter full of homemade cookies and lemonade."
Bella smiled at that thought. Her mom was great, but when it came to cooking, she was completely hopeless. When she was little, she believed all moms were like hers, until she met her friends' moms and discovered that wasn't exactly the case.
She was distracted from this train of thought when they arrived at what looked like a sunroom. Beautiful wide windows allowed the rare Forks sunlight to filter through, giving the room a magical quality.
"Beautiful," Bella murmured in appreciation.
"Yes, beautiful," Edward agreed.
Bella blushed when she sensed Edward's eyes on her, but before she could find a way to continue the conversation, a sleek black grand piano caught her attention. Bella practically squealed as she approached the instrument, and Edward smiled broadly at her enthusiasm.
"Would you play for me?" she asked excitedly.
Edward's smile threatened to split his face in two. "Of course," he replied. "Come and sit with me," he pointed to the bench in front of the piano.
Bella nervously sat next to Edward as he started a piece she immediately recognized as Chopin's Nocturne in E. She was enthralled by the way Edward's fingers caressed the keys and the way he played, so flawlessly, like an accomplished musician, not a fifteen-year-old boy.
Bella closed her eyes and enjoyed the melody, letting the notes surround her and fill her with their sweetness. Abruptly, the music stopped, the air charged with electricity, and she could almost feel the sparks sizzling in the air. Bella slowly opened her eyes to find Edward's face incredibly close to hers. She stopped breathing when Edward inched closer… closer… until someone cleared her throat.
Both teens jumped apart when an amused looking Esme walked into the room carrying a tray of cookies and lemonade – just as Edward had predicted.
"How are you kids doing?" Esme asked, putting the food on the small table in the middle of the room. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend, Edward?" Esme asked with a smirk.
Edward sighed, dreading the inevitable introduction.
"Mom," he said, getting up and leading Bella over to Esme. "This is Bella Swan."
A look of recognition and shock crossed Esme's face. "Swan?" she asked.
"Yes," Bella nodded, "a pleasure to meet you." Bella felt like she should curtsy in front of a woman like Esme, who seemed so prim and proper.
"Is your mom by any chance Renee Dwyer?" Esme continued.
"Yes, she is. Do you know her?" Bella asked.
Nothing could have prepared Edward or Bella for Esme's reaction.
As Bella held her stinging cheek, and Edward stood frozen in shock, they both were only able to form one coherent thought: what had occurred during that little introduction to cause Esme Cullen, the embodiment of good manners, to slap an innocent girl?
_________________________________________________
A/N So I hope I haven't confused you too much…any questions you can ask me via review or at the Twilighted thread (http://www.twilighted.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=44&t=9957&start=0&st=0&sk=t&sd=a)… if I can-meaning if it doesn't give plot-facts away- I'll reply to them.
Nocturne In E Flat Major, Op.9 No.2 by Chopin can be found on Youtube:
It is one of my favourite piano compositions.
A huge thank you to my pre-readers lemonmartinis and Rhian0000 who always point stuff out to me when they don't make sense… I owe them so much …
Also my eternal gratitude to the women behind the curtain, Dante Levine and Monamour …they have so much patience helping a girl out with her rambling originals…
BTW I send big hugs and healthy vibes to Monamour who is on bed rest…get well soon, loved the Robporn at the thread *winks* and big kiss to your Irish nurses…
So I need to start chapter 6, I was out all night last night and now I'm paying the consequences…but my country is head of their group on the Soccer World Cup… so Woo Hoo!
Thanks so much for all the favourites, reviews, alerts, and to all the people who have recced this story,
Mwah!
Laters baby,
Ange
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