Tuesday, August 21, 2012

A Love So Beautiful - Chapter 13



Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.

A/N I don’t have a pre-reader or a Beta or anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

-x-X-x-

A Love So Beautiful

Martha’s Vineyard, United States of America 1891

My hands are shaking. The envelope glares at me from my dressing table. The name of the sender flashes in my mind like lightning before a thunderstorm.

Lord Edward Cullen

I can hardly breathe. After my aunt informed me of whom the sender of this particular letter was, I requested to be left alone. Aunt Leah and Peter insisted in being nearby when I read the letter, probably sensing how deeply the contents could unnerve me, but I politely refused them.

A letter. A letter from Edward, after all this time.

I’m scared to read it. I’m scared of not reading it. The words in that letter can rebuild the pieces of my soul as well as shatter them completely, leaving nothing but dust behind.

How can some lines scribbled in a piece of paper hold such power over me?

With shaky breaths I walk towards the dressing table and before I allow my fear to overcome me I break the seal.

As I open the envelope, the first thing that shakes me to the core is Edward’s handwriting. It’s his…It’s real…I’m not dreaming.

I close my eyes and feel the tears falling unbidden. I haven’t cried in so long. I’d allowed my soul to retreat, numb itself from the pain.

I drop myself onto a chair, weighted by the feelings flooding me at the sight of Edward’s handwriting after so long.

I reopen my eyes and read the first line.

My Bella,

Not Dear Bella, or even Dear Miss Swan, no. He started the letter with My Bella. His, forever his…

I gulp, there’s a knot in my throat that threatens to choke me.

I continue reading as if in a daze, overwhelmed by the words, engulfed by them.

My Bella,

I write to you from the depths of a hell of my own creation. How I wish I had been brave enough, brave like you are, like you always have been. I was spineless. I did not deserve you. I do not deserve you still.

A sob escapes me as I picture a grief-stricken Edward penning these heartfelt words for me.

You’re most likely wondering why I’m writing after so long. You might have moved on and I’m disturbing your new life with these words. The truth is that even though you haven’t received a single letter from me, I’ve written every single day since we parted.
My father, if he even deserves the title, has intercepted every letter I’ve written for you. With the help of my valet, a man I’d come to trust blindingly.  He burned every single one of my words.

I discovered their deceit only recently, and too late to mend the rift that my supposed silence may have created between us. Alice asked me why I had not written to you in all this time, angered with me, and that’s when the veil placed before my eyes was finally lifted.

Rage fills me as I learn of the treachery of Lord Carlisle and Edward’s valet. Why? I want to scream. Why harm his son in such way?

Even though you did not receive any of my letters, and even though you may no longer trust in my words, I want you to know you have been in my mind and my heart all this time.

While Edward’s words are filled with sadness, his acknowledgement that I have been in his mind, and most especially his heart, lifts a weight from me I was not aware I was carrying. He did love me. I did not imagine his love for me.

Alice tells me you seem happy in your latest correspondence, that you have stopped asking about me. She tells me she didn’t dare mention me at first because you told her that I hadn’t written. Then you stopped asking and she thought it best to let you be, not stir a past that could harm you.

I assume that since you stopped asking you have been able to forget, and again I apologize for upsetting your peace with this letter. However, I selfishly needed to write to you one last time.

I have bad news. My mother has passed. As you well know she was severely ill even before you left. Last week she finally succumbed to her ailment and left us to be with the Lord in Heaven.

A cry escapes me as I recall kind Lady Esme. So sweet and full of love for her children. The complete opposite of Lord Carlisle and his cold demeanour. If ever there was an angel on earth, Lady Esme was that angel.

Sadly, that’s not my only bad news. I held on to hope for as long as I could, but finally I surrendered to my father’s pressure and a week before my mother left us I made the biggest mistake of my life, a mistake that will haunt me for as long as I live. In a small ceremony in Masen House I married Lady Victoria Whitlock-Hale.

As I read the words that I’ve dread all this time my heart stops beating in my chest. If I ever thought I knew what true pain was, I realise now I was mistaken.

I don’t feel the rest of my body. I feel as if my soul has deserted me.

I push through the sobs that wreck my body and try to finish reading Edward’s letter.

Please don’t blame my mother, my Bella. She died convinced that I was in love with Victoria. Alice and I persuaded her during her last few months that my melancholy was solely due to her deteriorating health. She never knew I was heartbroken. At least I hope she never was privy of my deceit.

There was something in the last few words she said before she lost consciousness which haunts me.

She said that Alice and I would be happy, that she would make sure we were happy someday. Alice is convinced momma at the very least suspected of my sacrifice, thus she referred to me being happy someday and did not speak of present time happiness. Alice is certain her words were a promise to us that she would guide us towards our happiness from heaven. I wish I had Alice’s faith. It would help me greatly in these dark times.

Amidst my hurt I hope fervently that Alice is correct in her assessment of Esme’s last words. However, in light of this terrible news it’s hard to hold on to hope. When your heart has been broken and trampled on repeatedly, how can one make herself hope for brighter days?

My Bella, my only hope now resides in your happiness. My only reason for living will now be my wish that you can be spared the pain that crushes me. I’m no longer the Edward I was when I last saw you. I’m a ghost of that boy you loved. But ghosts, like angels, can look after the ones they left behind. I will look after you, wish with all the strength I have left in me that one day you´ll find a man worthy of you. A man worthy of your love, like I never was.

I release you my Bella, my light. You are no longer mine to have. Whatever hold I might have still had on your heart, please I beg you to let it go. Let it burn into ashes like the letters that never found their way into your hands.

Be someone else’s Bella, someone else’s light. As long as I can admire your glow from afar I’ll be able to continue. A world without the light of your smile is a world I want no part of, so please shine.

Forever yours,

Your Edward

By the time I’m done reading Edward’s letter I can hardly breathe through my tears. I feel as if someone punched a hole through my chest and ripped my heart out. I crumble to the floor and cry until I have no tears left.

-x-X-x-

After a sleepless night I’m staring at the canopy above my head. The white, sheer fabric is clean, untainted. And I marvel at the way it sways up and down with the breeze the filters through my window.

The air is heavy, the wind icy. A storm is approaching. I can feel it vibrating in the air, much like a storm is vibrating in my blood.

I can lie still no longer. The sea is summoning me.

With measured steps I walk to my balcony and descend the stairs that lead to the garden. From there is a short walk towards my favourite place in Martha’s Vineyard. My rock, the place where I go to think.

I’m shivering from the emotions coursing through my veins, shattering me bit by bit.

The wind is fierce, like my heartache. It pushes me down as I climb, higher and higher.

The turbulent sea is a match for the agony swirling inside me.

I open my arms and welcome the violence of the brewing storm.

All this time I’ve thought that I was stronger than my feelings for Edward. That one day when I finally received a letter or spoke to him once more that I would be unaffected by any of it.

How pathetic of me to let myself crumble by a mere letter from him. Yet, as angry as I am for caring so much, for secretly hoping for a miracle that would push Edward into my arms, I can’t make myself not feel the sorrow that threatens with breaking me apart.
With my arms wide open I allow all my pain wash over me. With my arms wide open I jump into the sea.

-x-X-x-

“What in heaven’s name were you thinking, Bella?” I hear Peter’s angry voice ask me.
I’m coughing and shivering, completely soaked and so is Peter. Then I remember, me jumping into the sea, the waves sinking me under, the sea taking me down, a blackness that consumed me.

I gaze in Peter’s direction as notice his fierce expression. He looks livid, angrier that I’ve ever seen him.

“I’m so cross with you, Bella! How could you? What were you hoping to gain from jumping from that boulder?”

I blink several times before I’m able to reply in a hoarse whisper, “I wasn’t hoping to gain anything. I was just hoping for oblivion.”

“Ugh! Bella! How can you say that? How can you even entertain such notion! There are so many people who love you. Your mother, your father, your aunt Leah,” he pauses and then adds in a whisper, “me…”

I’m taken aback by his words. I selfishly disregarded all those who I would leave behind if my efforts were successful. I’m ashamed and humbled by Peter’s words. I know how hard it was for him to open himself to me, and yet I was more than ready to abandon my dear friend.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“Not sorry enough,” Peter replies as he hugs me tightly to his warm body.

I cry against his shoulder as he lifts me and takes me to the house. Once in my room he places me gently in my bed and wraps me in a blanket.

I’m trembling in my damp nightgown while Peter stokes the fire, trying to warm the room as well as himself.

“How did you know?” I finally ask after a few moments of silence.

“The letter. I sneaked into your room this morning to check on you and found the letter. Then it was only a matter of guessing what someone in your position would do. I considered the Brooklyn Bridge oddly appealing when I first learned of Maria’s deceit,” Peter replies before he takes his wet shirt off, and I’m momentarily shocked by his indecent behaviour. If anyone were to catch us in this moment I’d be forced to marry Peter or face ruination.

He places his shirt in a chair near the fire so that it dries quicker.

I’ve never noticed how beautiful Peter really is, never paid attention to that fact.

In an ideal world I would easily fall in love with a man like Peter. In an ideal world a man like Peter would not be in my room because he rescued me from drowning. In an ideal world he would be in my room to seduce me. We don’t live in an ideal world. In this world Peter and I are two lost souls who found each other and share a common pain, similar heartaches.

He looks through my drawers and tosses me a fresh nightgown.

“Change out of the wet clothes. I would ring your maid but she would tell your aunt. I have a feeling this is a secret you want to keep between us,” he says before he turns to face the fireplace.

I’m momentarily stunned by his request before his voice moves me into action, “Hurry or you’ll catch a chill!”

I’m blushing from head to toe as I disrobe behind Peter and don on a new, dry nightgown.

“Are you done?” He asks and I reply with a meek yes before I jump under the covers.
Peter turns and fixes his icy blue gaze on me.

“I hope this is the last time you give me such fright, Bella. What you did could have destroyed your family. And while I understand the sentiment that moved you to such foolhardy decision, I honestly expected more from you.”

I nod. I don’t try to defend myself or deny his words. Out of the two of us Peter is the one who makes imprudent decisions. I know I’ve disappointed my friend.

“I’m sorry,” I say again.

“I know,” he replies simply.

We stay quiet for quite some time. Peter is the first to break the silence.

“Your Edward really loves you. He is a fool and his father is a whoreson but at any rate you can be sure of your Edward’s love.”

“I know,” I sigh, wishing that was enough.

“If you wish to honour what you two had, please follow Edward’s request. I may be the last person you want advice from, but of one thing I’m certain. Nothing is final until you die. This will not be your last chance at love. You just need to hold on for a while and allow yourself to shine as your former beau so poetically put it. I’m not good with fancy words like your Edward, but I know one thing, and that’s that you’re meant for great things, Bella. Don’t abandon the race before it’s even started.”

“I promise you that I’ll fight against it, Peter. I won’t let the pain consume me,” I vow with conviction in my voice for the first time since I read Edward’s letter.

“Good, because I’ll be here to bend you over my knee next time you get a silly idea into that thick head of yours,” Peter scolds and I smile in spite of the situation.

Peter puts on his shirt once is dry and kisses my forehead before leaving.

I remain in my room for the rest of the day. My aunt doesn’t question it and since my parents are in New York I’m free to process my feelings without anyone hovering.

Finally, after a long day I let sleep overtake me with a single thought in my head.
I will not let myself be broken by this. I will shine and be happy. If only for Edward.

-x-X-x-

JSYK I cried writing this :( I’m a cry-baby though. Toy story 3 made me cry and don’t get me started on how I cried with Happy Feet.

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