DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Twilight as much as I wish I did,
because trust me if I did Renesmee wouldn’t have had that name.
HISTORICAL DISCLAIMER: I love History but I’m not a historian. So
please forgive any mistakes I’ve made. They were made out of ignorance and not
on purpose.
First of all, happy
birthday to my sweet friend Rhian0000! This chapter is dedicated to you!
Apparently, I only post in birthdays, weddings and anniversaries, so someone
needs to get hitch soon! Bwahahahaha.
My deepest gratitude
to Lulu M and SqueakyZorro
from PTB. You make me look like I can actually write with your awesome betaing
skills!
Um … about last
chapter. I realize some of you are mad at Edward, and that’s perfectly
understandable. I’m mad at him too, but here’s the thing. Do you really think
it’s realistic that a person who has been using women for pleasure for most of
his adult life to become a loving husband without falling off the wagon at
least once? I don’t condone cheating, and I consider it cheating even if it’s
just a kiss and no actual intercourse has taken place. However, I had to be
true to my character. This Edward is filled with new and foreign feelings and
his way to cope thus far has been sex. I hope you give him a chance to redeem
himself before you give up on him. I like redeemable characters…I hope you do
too…
______________________________________________________
Edward walked into the bedroom silently. What could he
say to defend himself? How could he justify breaking his word only a mere day
after he had spoken his vows to Bella? He had never expected to feel this
guilty over broken promises to his bride. Why was this woman confusing him so?
He had no time to mull over his feelings before he
heard Bella ask him to take a seat.
They sat staring at each other for a while, she in her
bed – he on the settee she had near one of her windows. They were sitting so
close and yet it felt like miles and miles were spread between them.
Finally, Edward could take the silence no longer and
cleared his throat before speaking.
“That was not what it looked like … if you had taken
but a second longer walking into my rooms …”
“I would have been even more enraged than I’m at the
moment!” Bella screamed in anger. “Do you think me a fool, Your Grace?” she sneered, looking at Edward with a coldness he had
never expected to see in such lovely, sweet, brown eyes.
No matter how numerous his past indiscretions, he had
given his word to Bella that he would be faithful to her, at least until the
bargain was met and the Cullen heir was on its way, and he had never failed his
word till this day.
“I most certainly do not consider you a fool, Your Grace!” Edward replied raising his
voice, desperate to defend himself, make her see it was never his intent to
hurt her. “I but suffered from a lapse in conscience. I forgot myself for a
moment. I was most tired and that girl practically attacked me!”
“You want me to believe that you’re an innocent lamb
and that girl is a ferocious wolf bent on eating you alive? Now I know you
think me a fool!” Bella bellowed with a ferocity that had Edward stopping to
consider his next move.
“Bella,” Edward pleaded as he rose from his seat,
walked toward his wife and placed himself on bended knee in front of her. He
attempted to take her hand in his, but she refused to let him touch her.
Sighing he continued, “That girl has been after me for ages. She would have
caused trouble at some point. I was going to send her away before she could do
any damage. Sadly, it was sooner rather than later.”
“So that girl is not one of your lovers? You’ve never
bedded her?”
Edward’s silence was all the answer Bella needed. She
made a move to get up and take herself as far away from Edward as she could,
but he stopped her before she could even take a step.
“Do not touch me!” Bella screeched, trying to break
free from Edward’s embrace.
“Stop! You’ll hurt yourself!” Edward said, tightening
his arms around her.
“Let me go!”
“I won’t until you calm yourself. You need to stay
still and listen to me. This will get us nowhere!”
Realizing the truth in Edward’s words, Bella ceased
her struggles and stayed as still as she could in his arms.
“Are you going to listen?” Edward asked after a while,
standing with Bella wrapped tightly in his arms. Even though he thought she was
now willing to give him a chance to explain, he didn’t dare loosen his hold on
her.
“Would His Grace
be kind enough to free me so I can breathe?” Bella said in a cutting tone after
a few moments standing in that awkward position. If she wanted to stand a
chance with Edward she needed a clear head. A clear head most certainly
required at least a few steps of distance between his body and hers.
Edward reluctantly let his bride go. There was a part
of him that was afraid she would escape to never be seen again. He was fully
aware that he had broken his word and disrespected the very few clauses Bella
had set to marry him. However, he wasn’t as concerned about the inheritance he
might lose if his wife decided to leave as he was about his wife leaving. This
realization scared him and shocked him at the same time.
Bella pushed past him and took the seat he had
abandoned by the window.
“Speak!” she finally ordered as she sat holding a
rigid posture that denoted the extent of her annoyance. She was running out of
patience, and it was plain for anyone to see.
“Yes, I have bedded her before,” Edward stated,
cringing at the crudeness of his words.
In the past, he never had to justify himself to anyone.
Not even his father. He had never felt regret over his actions until he had to
explain them to his wife. “But it was one time when I was but a lad. I was
curious and as uncouth as this may sound she was willing and within reach at
the time. She was already an experienced young woman, so I felt no guilt over
bedding her. I stole no virtue that hadn’t already been stolen or tainted her
reputation since she already was the talk of the town. I always made a point of
bedding experienced girls. You can think what you will of me, Bella, but until
this day I’ve been a gentleman. I do not take pleasure in tarnishing anyone
with my less than proper activities, nor do I break my promises.”
“You broke your promises to me tonight,” Bella
interrupted him in a small but firm voice. “I didn’t fool myself into thinking
we’d ever be a loving couple, but at the very least, I expected respect from
you. You promised you wouldn’t put me or our future son or daughter at risk by
bedding the trollops you’re used to. I will not stand for it, Edward. You need
to understand I will sooner become a seamstress or a beggar than lose what
little self-respect I have left. I will not stand by and witness your many
whores coming and going from our own house.”
“I know, and I intend to keep my word to you. What
happened tonight was my fault, yes. I take what responsibility I have in this
matter, but please do believe me when I tell you this. You’ll never again have
to witness something of the sort.” Noticing the folly of his promise, since
they were only to be husband and wife, in truth, for a brief period, Edward
amended, “at least not as long as we live together. I promise, no, I give you
my word as a Cullen, that you will never have cause to feel shame for being my
wife. I will keep my end of our bargain.”
Bella huffed at his statement. “You’ve given your word
before, Your Grace, and what good was your word to me tonight?”
“I understand your reluctance to believe me. We hardly
know each other, and we’ve been thrown into a situation that’s less than ideal.
But, Bella, wouldn’t it be easier to try to make things work? Wouldn’t you
prefer to have an amicable relationship with the father of your child? You
could be expecting as we speak …” Edward stopped. He was torn between being
happy and terrified by the thought.
Bella swallowed, feeling as torn by the possibility.
“You’re right. I could be with child. I do not cherish the idea of fighting you
over our child. I do not wish to hate you. But you have to stop giving me
reasons to do so. I can only take so much. In recent months, I’ve seen my house
plundered by my father’s creditors. I’ve witnessed family heirlooms being sold
to pay for my father’s many debts. I’ve seen my mother succumb to despair. Most
importantly, I’ve lost my father, who in spite the situation in which he left
us, was a most loving parent. I can only stand to lose so much.” Bella finished
in a broken voice.
Edward was struck by the emotion imbued in her words.
In the midst of his lust and the awe he had started to feel towards everything
that related to his new wife, he had failed to recognise that she must have
been even more confused than he was.
If he had bothered to look beyond his own needs and
fears, he would have recognized that if anyone should be scared it should be
Bella. Just months ago she had been a sheltered society girl, whose only
concern was to please her parents and eventually marry a man of the peerage.
Nothing could have prepared her for the whirlwind of
losing her father and the security that had protected her from the evilness in the
world. Her once close friends must have deserted her once the news of her new
financial situation started to spread.
Edward was well aware of the duplicity of the people
who made up high society circles, how much joy they took in destroying those
who were already down. Bella must have been such an easy prey for the
gossipmongers in London. He remembered hearing rumours of various indecent
propositions some of his married friends had made to Bella in the months
following her father’s death. The world in which they lived was full of
vultures, and Edward noted that he was the biggest one of them all.
Had he not taken advantage of Bella’s situation to
lure her into a wedding she would have rejected had she had a choice? Had he
not taken her virtue and enjoyed himself thoroughly the night before, just to
kiss another woman not a whole day later, and in his bed of all places!
And he was feeling sorry for himself? He was confused
and rattled by the many emotions this girl could manage to stir in him? Yet, not
once had he thought of what she must have been feeling. Not once had he cared
to discuss their situation or expectations with her. Not once during their very
short betrothal did he bother to visit her and assuage any fears she could have
had regarding their arrangement. He had treated the whole thing as a business transaction;
with the coldness one would display making a bank withdrawal.
“I’m so sorry,”
Edward said for once truly meaning those words. “I never meant to make this any
more difficult than it had to be. I never meant to make you doubt my words. I’m
a rake, and probably will be for the rest of my life. It’s who I am, Bella.”
Edward stopped as he noticed Bella flinch at his last statement. He took a deep
breath before continuing. “I’m a man of my word, though, and I swear on my
mother’s memory that as long as we live together, I will be faithful and true
to you. I know why you fear my infidelity. I know about your Aunt Lillian’s
cruel fate. I’ve always been careful in that regard, but you’re right. I won’t
expose you or our child to my depravities. You can be certain, Bella, that I
won’t fail you again.”
Bella wanted so badly to believe in him. She closed
her eyes as if her eyelids could protect her from him and the damage he could
do to her. Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest; her head was torn by the
need she had to protect herself and the attraction she felt towards her new
husband.
Oh, blasted luck! Why
should I be put in this position? Why must I be tormented by these tender
thoughts towards this man I hardly know? Oh God, how I wish someone could make
up my mind for me! Bella thought wryly.
She felt a warm hand twining with hers. The jolt of
electricity that travelled along her skin made her feel dizzy, and then she
felt warm lips brushing every one of her knuckles. The gesture was so loving,
she cried for herself and how lost her heart already was. She had never
believed in love at first sight. For her, it was the stuff of books and silly
romantic songs. But how could she protect herself from this man who managed to
crumble every one of her carefully placed defences in less than a day. She felt
so exposed and vulnerable.
Edward dragged her into his arms, hugging her fiercely
to his body. He sat her on his lap and tried to soothe her obviously pained
soul. He could not have known he was the source of her tears. He could not have
guessed she was afraid of loving him and sure it was too late already.
He guessed the root of her hurt was all the
humiliations she had suffered in the last few days. Someone as prideful as
Bella was probably at the end of her rope after all she had to endure to save
her mother and herself from poverty and disgrace.
All he knew was that he couldn’t stand her tears and
would do anything in his power so she’d never shed another, ever again.
-x-x-x-
Bella woke up with a terrible headache the next
morning. She found herself in a strange bed, and it took a full minute for her
to remember what happened the night before.
Edward had helped her out of her dress. With a
kindness she had never expected in him, he had dressed her for bed, never once
trying to take advantage. He had left after placing a kiss on her forehead,
promising it would all be better in the morning.
Bella groaned and blinked away a few traitorous tears.
She was so tired of crying. It seemed like it was all she had done ever since
her father died.
“No, it won’t be better in the morning,” she murmured
into her pillow. “It’ll only get worse in time. If I already feel as I do
towards him, in time, it will only get worse.”
There was a rasping sound at her door. Bella guessed
it was a servant bringing her breakfast. She wiped away any remnants of her
sorrow from her face and tried to look calm and poised.
“Enter,” she said in a shuddering half-whisper. Her
voice still thick with sleep and exhaustion.
“Your Grace,” came Mrs. Newton salute and short bow as
she carefully balanced a full tray while closing the door behind her. Bella
immediately noticed the dark circles under Mrs. Newton eyes, and the telltale
puffiness of her eyelids. Mrs. Newton had been crying. Bella’s heart twisted in
pity. She could guess the source of Mrs. Newton’s sadness.
“Mrs. Newton?” Bella said, sitting up in her bed while
Mrs. Newton set up the table right by the sunlit settee she had shared with
Edward the night before.
“Yes, Your Grace?” Mrs. Newton replied absent-mindedly,
thoroughly focused on her task.
“Please do forgive my husband if he was unkind to you.
I can see you’ve been crying, and I can’t help but wonder if I had a hand in
your suffering. I know he can be …” Bella paused searching for a polite way to
put it, “forceful and hard in his anger at times. I’ve gathered as much from
our short time together. However, I did not wish to see you affected by our problems.”
“Oh, Your Grace!” Mrs. Newton exclaimed, running
towards Bella and kneeling in despair in front of her bed. “Please don’t
apologise! It’s I who should feel ashamed and contrite for having anything to
do with your suffering!”
“Mrs. Newton,” Bella said in consternation. She never
expected such a reaction from the serene and motherly woman she had met the day
before. “Please, do get up. Here …” she said pointing to a small chair by her
bed. “Sit here. I’ll bring you some water.”
“No, please, Your Grace,” Mrs. Newton pleaded. “Do not
bother yourself with me!”
“It’s not any trouble. Please sit,” Bella insisted patiently.
Finally, after a few minutes Bella managed to get her to calm herself and drink
some water.
“What happened? Did Edw…I mean, His Grace dismissed you?”
Bella asked Mrs. Newton in a concerned voice.
“Oh no, no, Your Grace. He was so kind to me in spite
of what Jessica had done. He even helped my son. He called me late at night to
his studio and told me how Jessica had gone to his room … and …” Mrs. Newton
choked on her words.
“Please don’t stress yourself,” Bella said gently
patting Mrs. Newton hand. “If it hurts you to talk about it …”
“Oh, my lady,” Mrs. Newton wailed, overwhelmed by
Bella’s kindness when she had all the right to hate her entire family. “How can
you be so kind to me after what my daughter-in-law did last night?”
“It’s not your fault,” Bella tried to reassure her.
“What she did was her own decision, and if anyone here is a victim, it’s your
family and yourself. I can only imagine how hurt your son must be.”
“He doesn’t know,” Mrs. Newton murmured in a low,
embarrassed voice. “I asked His Grace not to mention it to him.”
Mrs. Newton saw Bella’s confusion written all over her
face and tried to explain her request, to justify it. “My son is a sweet soul,
too sweet for this world. He has always been a sickly boy. No one thought he
would live beyond his twenties. He has had a heart condition ever since he was
born. The old Lord, His Grace’s father, was kind enough to pay the best doctors
to check on my boy. But it was all for naught. I was told by the last Doctor
that he’d be lucky to live past thirty. He’s already twenty-five. I only wish
for him to be happy and for some reason that ghastly woman makes him happy.”
Mrs. Newton sobbed into her hands.
Bella felt so bad for Mrs. Newton’s plight, to have a
son who was so sick, so beyond help that all she wanted was for him to be happy
during the last days of his life, even if his happiness was nothing but a cruel
sham. She would have probably done the same had she been in Mrs. Newton’s
position.
“What happened then? Are they still here?” Bella asked
with apprehension. She couldn’t tolerate the idea of having to share a house
with that woman, that lying monster, but she also couldn’t tolerate the idea of
Mrs. Newton’s son finding out the truth and dying of heartbreak.
“Oh, no, Your Grace! His Grace was adamant that
Jessica couldn’t stay a minute longer, and I happened to agree with him. The
Cullens have a small property in Chester. He has sent Michael and Jessica
there. Michael will be much happier in a smaller estate. He loves horses, and
peace. He’s a quiet boy, my Michael. He’ll be in charge of His Grace’s horses.
Here, he only assisted when help was needed, but there he’ll be in charge. I
feel so bad. It’s almost as if Jessica is being rewarded for what she did, and it’s
all because I begged His Grace not to throw her into the street as she
deserved, for my son’s sake.”
Bella smiled consolingly. She understood what it felt
like to make sacrifices for the sake of the people you loved. She had entered a
loveless marriage to save her mother from having to live like a pauper. She
knew the lengths to which one could go to spare your loved ones any pain.
“I agree with my husband’s decision. There was nothing
to be gained from exposing that woman for what she is. If your son is happy
with her, let him enjoy his last days doing what he likes most and with the
woman he loves. Sometimes a lie is better that the harsh truth.”
Mrs. Newton smiled sadly, recognizing her words for
what they were. This young girl was so wise for someone so young. She already
admired the new Duchess and hoped with all her heart that her instincts were
right, that she was what the young master needed to finally regain the
happiness that had been lost to him for so long.
“Thank you, Your Grace,” Mrs. Newton said, composing
herself and going to the table to finish with the preparations for breakfast.
“Now you must eat. His Grace is not going to be happy with me if I don’t make
sure you’re properly fed.”
Bella smiled sweetly, but in her mind, she was sure His Grace didn’t actually care that much
about her.
-x-x-x-
“Good morning,” Edward greeted as Bella descended the
stairs. The night before, she barely had a chance to see a glimpse of her new
home; thus, Edward had offered to take her on a tour around the manor. Bella
sensed it was an excuse to get her alone to talk more thoroughly about what had
happened the night before.
“You are a vision this morning,” Edward said,
gallantly kissing Bella’s hand. He was being most sincere. Bella was wearing a
white muslin dress that made her look like an angel, highlighting her pink
blush and dark-haired beauty.
“Your Grace,” Bella saluted formally.
“Please, Bella, for you, it's Edward,” Edward stated
sweetly. He wanted her to trust him. They were in this tangled web together, both
for different reasons but united by a single need to make their situation as
painless as possible.
“Edward, I hope you’re faring well this morning,”
Bella made herself say. She didn’t wish to feel the thrill she felt every time
his name left her lips, like a forbidden word that caused much chaos in her already
riotous feelings.
Edward’s heart skipped a beat when he heard the way
Bella pronounced his name. Somehow she made it sound better. He wished to hear
her whisper it softly in his ear. He wished to hear her sigh it in between melodious
laughter. He wished to hear her scream it as she came apart in his arms.
Edward didn’t understand his hunger for this woman. It
went beyond lust, and that continued to scare him. However, he decided that for
this morning he would focus on her needs, frights, and worries. He had time
later to dwell on this strange connection, this pull he felt towards his new wife.
“I’m quite well. I hope you've had a pleasant morning,
as well. There’s much I want to show you today.”
“I’m looking forward to our walk. I’ve heard many good
things about this place, and I must admit I’m curious to see how much truth was
behind all the praise,” Bella replied with a soft smile that made Edward’s hand
tremble with the need to caress her soft cheek.
“I hope it lives up to your expectations,” Edward said
in a deep voice while he clenched and unclenched his fist, trying to will his
hand to stay by his side.
They walked in companionable silence until they
reached a room dominated by a grand piano that made Bella sigh in longing. She
wasn’t a very accomplished player, but her father had been remarkable. She had
enjoyed many a night sitting in front of the fireplace, listening his talented
fingers move over the keys, making marvellous music. She missed those nights
so.
Following Bella’s yearning gaze, Edward directed his
eyes to the object of such strong feeling. He had heard of the Earl’s talent
with the pianoforte and realised the reason for Bella’s reaction to the
instrument.
“Would you like to play for a bit?” he gently asked
her, directing her attention back to him.
“What?” Bella replied, startled out of her memories by
Edward’s words.
“The pianoforte, would you like to play it?” Edward repeated.
“Oh no, no, I’m dreadful! I could never manage to be a
decent player.”
“I doubt it,” Edward smiled and, grabbing her hand
kindly in his, steered her towards the piano.
“No, truly, I’m quite awful. This is not an act of
false humility. I could leave you deaf with just how badly I play,” Bella
persisted.
“Well, if you insist, I won’t force you to play.
However, I can force you to choose a song for me to play for you,” Edward said as
he seated himself in front of the piano.
Bella was stunned into silence by Edward’s
breathtaking smile as he invited her to sit next to him. It seemed as if every
time she thought he couldn’t possibly be any more perfect, he managed to prove
her wrong.
“You’re not dreadful?” Bella teased as she took a seat
on the bench next to Edward.
She felt safe and more content than she’d been in a
while sitting this close to him. The idea that this man could unbalance her
emotions to the point of tears and despair, only to make her feel safe and
almost cherished the next moment, simply made Bella more certain that he was
dangerous to her sanity.
“You can be the judge of that. Choose a song,” Edward
repeated as he pointed to a few sheets of music.
Bella reached for the sheets and scanned them,
recognizing some classics her father used to play and a few new songs she’d
never heard of before. Finally, after searching for a bit, she decided she
wanted Edward to choose.
“You choose your favourite song. I haven’t heard most
of these before. So please enlighten me. I would love to hear something new,”
Bella cajoled as she handed the music sheets back.
Edward smiled and picked the last sheet in the stack
Bella handed him. He placed the sheets before him and breathed deeply before
starting to play.
Bella watched in awe as Edward’s fingers moved over
the keys with an ease she had only seen in virtuosos. It was as if Edward’s fingers
were one with the instrument. They
glided over the keys, touching them with a soft caress Bella had come to know
in depth in the last couple of days. She knew how gentle those fingers could
be. She remembered how they could kindle in her the most heart-shattering
passion.
Bella closed her eyes and immersed herself in the
tinkling notes that drifted through the air. Even though they weren’t
physically touching, Bella felt as if Edward was touching her very soul with
this song.
It spoke to her of the kind of love she had only ever
read in books. Of a longing she never dreamed someone could feel, so intense,
so profound. The song filled her lungs and she sighed as it reached its zenith,
for it suddenly filled her with a sadness so deep she could not fathom it. It
was the sadness of love lost, sadness she had never felt but somehow she could
now relate to.
When the song ended, Bella opened her eyes to find
Edward watching her. His eyes were full of something Bella couldn’t quite grasp,
but it was something deep and warm that made her entire body flush.
Edward cleared his throat and asked in a thick voice,
“Did you enjoy it?”
Bella didn’t feel composed enough for a coherent reply
so she nodded in acquiescence, quite unsure of what had transpired between
them.
Edward returned Bella’s nod and, grasping her hand in
his, helped her rise from her seat.
“Come, I’ll show you the gardens. We can have a
picnic. The day is remarkably nice so far,” Edward said, gesturing to the
sunshine that filtered through the windows.
“I would love to,” Bella replied, still dazed from the
song he had played for her.
“Good, then I will call Mrs. Newton to prepare a
basket for our outing. Will you wait for me here?”
Bella smiled at Edward’s renewed enthusiasm to show
her his estate.
“Of course, I’ll wait for you,” she replied with a
soft smile.
As soon as Edward’s back was turned and he closed the
door behind her, Bella walked to the piano, wishing to learn the name of the
song he had so artfully played for her.
She lifted the sheet in her hands and they trembled as
she read the title on it.
* Liebesträume (Dreams of Love)
______________________________________________________
* Franz Liszt - Liebestraum - Love Dream: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpOtuoHL45Y
This is actually a set of three solo piano compositions by Franz
Liszt. The one Edward played is No. 3.
I really like piano music, but lately I’ve been reading a lot about the
people behind the music (the composers), and boy, did they lead scandalous
lives! They were fascinating, even if I consider that most of them were
incredibly selfish. Some lead quite tragic lives. Anyway, back to this song; Liebesträume means Dreams
of Love in German. This song was published in 1850, and here’s a very
interesting explanation for each of the three pieces I found In Wikipedia:
The two poems by Uhland and the one by Freiligrath depict three
different forms of Love. Uhland's Hohe Liebe (Exalted
Love) is saintly, or religious, love: the "martyr" renounces
worldly love and "heaven has opened its gates".
The second song Seliger Tod (Holy Death) is
often known by its first line ("Gestorben war ich") ("I was
dead"), and evokes erotic love. "Dead" is a metaphor here
referring to what is known as "la petite mort" in French ("I was dead from love’s bliss;
I lay buried in her arms; I was wakened by her kisses; I saw heaven in her
eyes").
Freiligrath's poem for the famous third
"notturno" is about unconditional mature love, and warning that love
lost is miserable: "Love as long as you can! The hour will come when you
will stand at the grave and mourn" ("O lieb, so lang du lieben kannst").
Edward plays the most famous piece which, like Wikipedia quite clearly
explains, is about unconditional mature love, the kind of love we all
wish to find but are kind of afraid to actually encounter since it hurts so
much to lose. I loved this song and thought it was quite fitting for this
scene.
Okaaaaay…lol I hope I haven’t bored you too much with my insanely long
A/Ns.
See ya next time!
Ange xxx
0 comments:
Post a Comment