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Disclaimer: These characters are the sole
property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
A/N I don’t have a pre-reader or a Beta or
anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.
-x-X-x-
A Love So Beautiful
London,
England 1894
I am at my wits’ end. Edward’s
note has shaken me. When I decided to return to England I imagined visiting
Alice and all the places that brought me sad memories. I thought I might
encounter Edward and was prepared for such encounter, but what occurred today
was not something I was prepared for.
After so long, there is still a fire between us that refuses to be put
out. I’m still trembling from the memory of his proximity, and now he sends me
this note?
What does he mean by “I'm prepared to fight for the right to call you
mine again.”? He cannot possibly imply he intends to seduce me into accepting to
become his mistress? He would not disrespect me in such a way, would he? Then I
remember that I was more than willing to elope with him at age sixteen,
regardless of the consequences our actions may have brought upon us. If he
would have asked me to live in sin with him back when we were sixteen, I’m
almost sure I would have said yes. The thought alone scares me. I’m too
vulnerable to Edward’s persuasion.
There’s a knock on my door that makes me stop my pacing.
“Who is it?” I ask, not interested in seeing anyone.
“You aunt, darling. Are you quite all right? May I come in?” Aunt Leah’s
voice filters from behind my door.
As soon as she crosses the threshold and looks at my expression she asks
me in a concerned voice, “It’s something wrong? Why are you so pale? You look
agitated, sweetheart!”
She places her hand above my forehead, checking for a fever. When she
realises I’m healthy, she reiterates her question. “What is the matter?”
“Edward,” I whisper as I collapse on a settee, “He was here.”
My aunt sits beside me and is quiet for a moment while she rubs my arm.
She breaks the silence with a question I have no true answer for, “What did he
want?”
“I don’t know,” I moan. “He seemed to want to see me at first. Like an
old friend visiting. However, near the end he was as overwrought with emotion
as I am now. We almost kissed,” I confess.
“Oh, no,” aunt Leah murmurs while she continues to rub my arm in a
soothing movement.
“That’s not all,” I say handing her the note he left with Bessie. She
reads it in silence.
“The cheek of that man!” aunt Leah exclaims when she’s finished. “What
does he think? That you’ll become his mistress?”
“I don’t know, aunt Leah,” I reply as I face her. “If we were in America
I’d say he could claim many reasons to divorce his wife. However, things are so
different here, especially for members of the peerage. I don’t know what Edward
has in mind but it cannot lead to anything good.”
Aunt Leah studies me for a few moments before she comments on my
diatribe.
“You want this,” she says and I’m taken aback by her assertion.
“Whatever do you mean?” I enquire.
“You want him to divorce. You’d marry him in a second if he would. You’d
thought about it, the possibilities and such. You want it.”
I gape at my aunt. Her words touch at a cord of my heart and bend it
until it starts repeating the same words over and over again: you want this, you want him.
“I don’t—” I start with a lie, but my aunt interrupts me with a stern
look.
“Please don’t try to lie, dearest. I’m too wise in the ways of the world
for you to fool me. Be honest. I want to help you, guide you in the right path
but I can’t if you lie to me.”
I look down at my lap and murmur, because I’m about to admit a truth
about myself that shames me.
“Yes, I’ve fantasized about it. I’ve thought of ways in which Edward and
I could be together. But aunt Leah, it’s wrong of me. I truly want to stop
loving him. I just don’t know how.”
“Oh, my child,” aunt Leah says, placing one of her hands above my cheek.
I lean into her touch, comforted by the way in which she doesn’t seem to judge
me as I thought anyone who knew of my weakness might.
“What about, Peter?” she asks me. I lift my gaze and I face her again.
“I love him. I truly do love him, I simply don’t love him like I do
Edward, though,” I confess, my voice defeated.
“You’ve only recently acquiesced to Peter’s request to court you. It’s
all too new. Also, darling, the boy you loved does no longer exist. From what
your father has told me, Edward has changed remarkably over the years. He’s
ruthless and ambitious, I hear. Not at all the sweet, sensitive boy you
described me.”
“He has,” I acknowledge. “He’s different. He changed both physically and
in character. However, when I saw him today it felt as if time had stopped all
those years ago. In my heart there was no difference.”
“Bella, you’re a grown woman now. Not the child you were when this whole
situation started. If you love him, if you truly feel he’s your fate, then
fight for him. But only if being by his side will make you happy. Do not hold
on to a memory.
“If he waited all these years he can wait a few more months. You must
reacquaint yourself with him. Know him for the man he is today not the lad you
used to love. As for Peter, he’s an intelligent man. Be honest with him as any
friend would, and if he decides to fight for your affections, then I think you
should allow it.”
“But Aunt Leah, Edward is married. I cannot befriend a married man. Also,
I do not want to hurt Peter. He deserves better from me.”
Aunt Leah shakes her head and sighs before fixing me with her kind,
brown eyes.
“Bella, Peter is a smart fellow. If he wants to compete for your love,
let him. He knows what he’s doing. As for befriending Edward, you’re to meet
his sister tomorrow, am I correct? Try to extract as much information as you
can from her. Edward seems quite interested in you, so you best be prepared for
the next occasion you may encounter each other. Today he took you by surprise that
should not happen again if you want to remain in control of the situation.”
“My parents will not be happy if they know about me enquiring after
Edward,” I state.
Aunt Leah hugs me tightly to her and says, “Let me handle those two.” To
which I laugh for the first time today.
-x-X-x-
When we were young, Alice was always the epitome of a Lady. With Lady
Esme as example you could hardly expect anything different.
The Alice that jumps at me as soon as she lays eyes on me when I cross
the door to her drawing room, the one who twirls and squeals and leaps is not
the Alice I knew years ago.
She looks lovely, happy, and very much pregnant with a little bump that
presses against me as she hugs me.
“Bella! I missed you so! You’re here!” she almost screams.
I look at her owlishly, trying to determine if this is my friend Alice or
a tornado.
“You’re pregnant,” I state like a ninny.
“Yes!” She laughs as she takes my hand and almost carries me to a settee
where she sits next to me.
“You’ve grown so beautiful!” she exclaims, her smile brilliant.
I smile and blush at the compliment.
“Thank you, Alice. You look amazing as well. How far along are you?”
“Only four months, but I’m already
starting to show. Jasper thinks I may be carrying twins. Two pair of aunts of
his were twins,” she replies, her smile unwavering. A frisson on jealousy pinches
my heart but I ignore it. Alice deserves this happiness. She has suffered for
far too long. She learned to live with the cards life dealt her, unlike Edward
and me. I’m envious of her and her approach to life.
“I’m so happy for you,” I say honestly.
“Thank you, Bella,” she replies, subdued. “How are you?” Her question is
sincere. I can feel genuine concern pouring off her. I’ve missed Alice, who was
always like an older sister to me, more than I’ve thought.
“I’m fine,” I reply, trying to muster my best smile. It doesn’t ring true
and Alice immediately picks up on it.
She narrows her eyes slightly and gives me a reassuring pat on the hand.
“Bella, we may have lived in different continents for the past few years,
but I still consider you a sister. You can be honest with me.”
“Edward was at my house, yesterday,” I state. I can see the wheels
turning in Alice’s mind as she grasps the meaning of this.
“What did he want?” she enquires calmly. I can tell from her demeanour
she’s fuming.
“I don’t know. He…I…It was as if no time had passed between us…” I sigh,
free once I let the words out.
Alice shakes her head, “Things are much more complicated than you think,
Bella. I don’t care what he promised you. He needs to sort many things in his
life before he can even entertain the idea of attempting to fix what you had.”
“What do you mean?” I question puzzled by Alice’s statement. What more complications,
besides his marriage to Victoria can there be?
“It’s not my story to tell. What I can tell you though is that he has
been trying to divorce Victoria for years, unsuccessfully. He cannot give you
anything at the moment, and I’m guessing these past few years haven’t changed
you so much for you to agree to become his mistress.”
I wish I could have Alice’s conviction in my resolve to resist Edward.
Before she can notice my hesitation I probe further into what she just
revealed.
“What do you mean he has been trying to divorce Victoria? Why didn’t he
go to America after me if he meant to leave her?”
“Ugh! Bella, I cannot tell—”
“Please,” I beseech before she can deny me again. I need answers. “Who
knows how Edward may bend the truth. I need it from someone I can fully trust,
and I’m not sure yet if I can trust this new version of him. Please, Alice.”
She seems to vacillate, between her loyalty to her brother and her
loyalty to me. Finally she nods and squares her shoulders before she continues.
“I don’t know where to start. Let’s see…” she trails. I’m anxious, at last
after years of requesting no one inform me about Edward’s life, I’m about to know.
Part of me is dying to know…to learn what sort of life he has led since we last
parted, the other part is so afraid to find out something that may hurt me I’m
trembling when Alice speaks again.
“He has changed so much,” Alice says, “In some aspects the change was
good. He developed such strength, such determination. You should see him,
Bella. He’s a force to be reckoned with. I wish he had been like that back when
this all started.”
I sigh. I wish the same every day.
“In others, however…” she trails, and my skin covers in goose pimples.
“He closed himself off from us, from his family. Ignored Victoria, treated
her in such a way I almost pitied her.”
“Was he cruel?” as much as I never liked Victoria I don’t wish her any
ill. She may have been insupportable as a young woman, but she was never malicious
or even impolite to anyone.
Alice shakes her head, “No, he was never cruel. But Victoria truly
fancied she loved him, which I can understand given her age and how sheltered
she was. I imagine she created a whole fantasy in which Edward truly may come
to love her, even though her father basically bought her groom with her title. When
you love someone, there are ways in which he can hurt you without being cruel.
Coldness, indifference are enough to breaks one’s heart most thoroughly.”
I know very well how much hurt the people you love can impart on you.
They have the power to break you, unlike any other people in your life.
“Don’t misunderstand me; she has done a few things that were utterly reproachable.
However, I think she mostly did them in her despair to gain Edward’s love by
any means necessary.”
“Please Alice, stop going around in circles. What happened? Why are
things more complicated than when I left?” I enquire in a pleading tone. I need
the hard facts of what happened before I can decide what to make of my life.
“Very well. Right after you left, Edward was inconsolable. He tried on
mother’s behalf to appear joyful, but he was wretchedly unhappy. He escorted
Victoria to balls and played the part of attentive fiancé, but anyone with eyes
could see he was going through the motions. He hated it, felt so helpless under
father’s pressure and the own pressures and expectations that come with being
part of our class.
“You know how it is for us, Bella. Here the honour of your family and how
far back in the past you can trace your ancestors is everything. If you are a
legitimate descendant of someone who was in William’s court you are at the
highest tier of la bonne société.”
I know very well all of this, in England trade as my father practices it
is viewed as vulgar. An English gentleman doesn’t toil to earn his upkeep. He
just sits in his clubs and smokes cheroots along with his friends while his tenants
work his land and pay him for the privilege. It’s one of the aspects of British
society I’ve always disliked. My father, who is revered in America for his
vision, is considered below people the likes of Lord Carlisle who never worked
a day of his life.
“I think in time, the pretence wore on him. By the time mother died,
Edward was utterly disgusted with himself and the choices he had made. I
personally thought he would go after you, even after having married Victoria.”
“Why didn’t he?” I enquire. It was one of the first things I wondered
about once I could think clearly about Edward’s note.
“This is where I need you to be calm. There are aspects of Edward’s story
that are delicate in nature.”
“I’m prepared, Alice. I need to hear this. I’ve protected myself, hid
behind you and father for far too long,” I assure her.
“I don’t know the details, but around the time of mother’s death, Edward
turned to spirits to cope with his pain. All I know is that Edward woke me one
day while I was still at Masen House and he cried and cried. I didn’t know what
was wrong. I almost thought something have happened to you.”
“What happened?” I say in but a whisper, my voice shaky with trepidation.
“When he slept and calmed himself enough to speak he told me he had
failed you once again. He had drunk so much the day before that he didn’t remember
anything. The only thing he remembered was waking in his wife’s bed, naked.”
I swallow the knot that’s threatening to choke me. I never expected
Edward to wait for me. I know most men find it hard, if not impossible to be
celibate. I simply never anticipated it would come to be in such sordid manner.
Alice squeezes my hand gently and continues, “After that he avoided
Victoria at all costs. He moved to London and focused on our investments much
to father’s chagrin. I asked him why he didn’t go after you, why he didn’t
divorce Victoria. He said he didn’t deserve you any longer, that he wanted you
to find happiness with someone better, braver than him.”
Edward had always been so hard on his judgement of himself. I suspected
his father’s harsh words and constant disapproval had shaped Edwards view of
himself in a negative way. Lord Carlisle was hard man of restrictive views and
as far as I remembered he would always make Edward feel especially inferior.
“Months went by, and one day Victoria turned up on Edward’s doorstep. She
was breeding,” Alice startles me from my thoughts with the shocking revelation.
“Edward and Victoria have a child?” my voice is breaking, tears spilling
from my eyes at the image Alice has painted. No wonder he never went after me,
no wonder he staid by Victoria’s side.
Alice shakes her head and I blink the tears away.
“No, Bella. They never had a child.”
“What do you mean? You just said—”
“I know what I said. I never said she gave birth to the babe.”
“Oh,” I reply numbly. I don’t know what to say to that.
“Edward tolerated Victoria’s presence for the sake of his child. However,
Victoria insisted in inserting herself in Edward’s life more than he was ready
to accept. She kept badgering and pushing for his attentions. On a particular
occasion, close to Victoria’s time, they engaged in an argument. I’m not
certain of the details, but as they yelled Edward descended the stairs of his
house, to leave I guess. Victoria followed and fell.”
“Oh my God,” I gasp, covering my mouth with a hand, lest a sob escapes
me.
“It was so bloody,” Alice whispers, tears stain her face now as well. “When
I arrived to the house Edward was pacing his study. He looked as despaired as
the day you left. We waited and waited until the surgeon descended the stairs
and informed us that the baby had been stillborn. She didn’t survive.”
“It was a girl?”
Alice nods and I sob as she hugs me. I sob for Edward’s broken heart, I
sob for the life of a child I never met and the life that I wished for and wasn’t.
It’s such a tragedy. Such an unnecessary tragedy.
“Hush! It was a long time ago, Bella.”
I lift my face from Alice’s shoulder and ask her about what happened
afterwards.
“Edward was guilt-ridden, as you may have guessed. He’s always been too
good at placing the blame at his doorstep. Victoria was grief-stricken. For a
while it seemed as she would lose her mind. After, when she recovered, she
begged Edward to move to the country with her, to Masen House. He consented more
out of guilt than anything. They lived together there for a couple of years,
and I honestly think he tried to love Victoria. But Edward’s heart wasn’t in
it, and Victoria could tell.
“She started pushing for more than he could give again, making demands, bringing
up time and time again Edward’s alleged part in Elizabeth’s death.”
“Her name was Elizabeth? Edward’s daughter?”
“Yes, she was so precious Bella. I saw her before the doctor wrapped her
in a blanket. She had red hair and such pretty features. She would have been
beautiful. And in spite of the circumstances of her conception, I know she
would have been loved.”
I have no doubts Edward would have loved his daughter.
“Finally,” Alice continues, “He grew tired of it. He asked Victoria the
divorce. Promised she would be looked after, but begged her, for both their
sanities, to free him. That night Victoria slit her wrists.”
“What?” I cry.
“She lived,” Alice says before I can say another word. “However, she
holds a rope against Edward’s neck made out of guilt and threats. Edward lives
in London most of the year, but he dares not leave Victoria for good. I know he
doesn’t want another death on his shoulders, and Victoria uses this fact.”
I’m torn between feeling sorry for Victoria and wanting to kill her
myself.
“So you see, things are not quite as simple as a divorce. I don’t know
what my brother intends, but even if he manages to convince Victoria to divorce
him, things won’t be easy for either of you.”
-x-X-x-
When I leave Alice’s townhouse it’s pouring outside. A climate that
matches the current state of my feelings. I’m about to order the coachman to
take me to my father’s house when I see him.
Edward is in his coach, across the street. His dark gaze fixed on me. I want
to run to him, to kiss him and promise him that all will be all right. I want
to slap him for all the hurt he has caused me and continues to cause. I want to
do so many things. Instead I break away from his eyes and order my coachman to
leave.
-x-X-x-
Okay, I
researched divorce back then and apparently in America you could divorce
–though very few actually went through with it—for a number or reasons such as:
infidelity, abandonment, and extreme cruelty, inebriation and impotence. It was
difficult to get a Divorce but not impossible and not as hard as it was to get
one in England where the only acceptable causes were infidelity and extreme
cruelty.
Um… so
what do we think about Edward now?
BTW I
apparently cannot grasp the meaning of drabble-ish. This was meant to be
drabble-ish *facepalm*
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