Disclaimer:
These characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I am just messing around with them.
A/N I don’t have a pre-reader or a Beta or
anything of the sort. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.
-x-X-x-
A Love So Beautiful
London, England 1894
Dear B,
I know that by your
request I should refrain from visiting you that I should not even consider the
notion of being near you while I’m still married to Victoria. Nonetheless, we
have already established that I’m a flawed man, and I can’t help the burning
desire I have to be face to face with you and be able to show you my affection
in more than mere words.
This piece of paper
feels so inadequate to transmit the depth of my admiration for you. However, I
have already taken too many liberties when you’re respected and this exchange
is dicey enough as it is.
You say that you
don’t know who I am anymore, but I can assure you that no one knows me as well
as you do. Even after all this time the core of who I was when you met me all
those years back, remains. I’m still the same boy who would chase you around
during our summers in Hertfordshire. You still own my heart and soul and I
still care for you more deeply than any other man ever could. The important
parts of me remain.
You wish to know
what has changed, and in response to that unasked question I can say that maybe
all that has changed is my outlook in life.
As you know I was
raised with the notion that my parents were to be obeyed and that my father in
particular, was to be respected. His commands carried out without question. I
don’t wish to justify my past actions or my lack thereof. I am very well aware
that I do not deserve you, and were I a better man, that I should stop my
pursue of you. I’m not a better man, and I am not hesitant to express how
deeply I need you by my side.
It is that need
that moves me to try to be better, at least somewhat deserving of your
affections. I know you have waited long enough, suffered long enough on my
behalf and it is immensely selfish of me to ask for more of your patience and
time. I must ask for it nonetheless, because it is only if I can call you my
own someday that I can hope this life to feel worth living.
I am through
following my father’s mandates. I am through worrying what polite society
thinks of me. I am through not following my heart. I love you earnestly and I
shall do everything I can to be a free man, and prove to you that I want a life
with you more than anything in this world.
Please always
remember that,
Forever yours,
E
-x-X-x-
Dear
E,
I thank you for respecting my wishes and
keeping your distance while your situation is resolved. I must confess that my
request was twofold in its intend, since as you very well know I have never
cared about what people think of me. I did ask you to stay away out of respect
for my family, which has already been through enough on my behalf, but I also
asked you to not call on me because whenever you are near me my judgement
clouds and I can’t decide whether I care for you due to our past or if I care
for the man you are today.
I don’t know who you are, and though you
say that the important parts of the boy you used to be remain the same, I can’t
attest to that fact myself. I only have your word to go by and you must
acknowledge that your word is not much in light of our past. I hate that I keep
dwelling on our past, but it’s all we really have.
So in the spirit of reacquainting
ourselves with each other, I’ll start by telling you a bit about who I am now.
Not much has changed in respect to whom I
was five years ago. Mainly, I would say that I am not as reckless as I used to
be, or brave. When you told me about your intentions to divorce Victoria I must
confess that I was too frightened to feel excited about the prospect of a
future together. I won’t deny that my feelings for you still run deep, but I
would have been a lot more irresponsible in my actions had I still been the
girl you met. That girl, she dreamt of fairy stories and happily ever afters.
She had you in a pedestal and thought you would never renounce your love for
her, let alone marry another. I have a more practical view of life, and have
the scars to show the pain life has thrown in my path.
I am not trying to make you feel guilty or
dramatise my circumstances, because I am very aware of how lucky I was to have
the people I had in my life during my darkest times. However, I will not try to
minimise the change in me either. What happened five years ago changed me in
ways I did not anticipate. As all change some of it was good, some of it I am
still unsure of. I believe that overall I am a better person due to my
experiences.
I am certainly glad that your view about
blindly following your father’s commands has changed. Your father may think
that he has your best interest at heart but only you can know with full
certainty what is good for you. As far as society goes, I retain my opinion
that it is quite impossible to please them all, so you might as well do what
feels right, within certain limits.
Now that you know that I have not changed
so much from the girl you used to know I would like to know a bit more about
you. As you are aware Alice confided in me about Elizabeth, but a part of me
wishes to hear about that time in your life in your own words. I do not wish to
cause you pain by making you remember those dark times, however, when you’re
ready I would like to hear about it.
I wish I could say that is easy for me to
drop everything and simply follow what my heart tells me to do, but as I
mentioned above I have become wary of following my heart’s desires. For the
time being all I can promise is that I shall endeavour to keep an open mind and
allow you the chance you ask for.
You know how I feel about you, simply put
I feel as strongly as I did five years ago.
B
-x-X-x-
Dear
B,
How I wish I had a way to turn back the
clock and not have caused you any pain. How I wish I could go back and do
things the way I should have done them. Alas, as you stated in your last
letter, dwelling in the past is not helping us move forward.
I completely understand your caution in
regards of my intentions and my actions. I just wish there was not a reason for
such caution. As I said in countless occasions, I wish I could court you openly
and not be limited to this written substitute for my presence.
I miss your recklessness and your free way
of engaging life. I am saddened by the fact that it is due to my actions that
you have changed such significant part of who you used to be. My hope is that someday I will be able to
restore your faith in happily ever afters and you shall embrace life the same
way you used to do.
I wish I had been more like you all those
years ago, more daring and brave. I would have been spared a lot of heartache.
However, I think that like you, my scars have made me a better person. At least
I hope they have.
I know that Alice relayed that part of my
past— and even though at the time I was furious with her for doing so— I am now
thankful that she did.
Like you inferred is not a topic I’m fond
of discussing, nor is it a topic I’d like to share on a piece of paper.
However, I think that it may be for the best if I do share it with you through
these means. So that you have time to process your feelings about this matter
and your judgement is not impaired by your feelings for me. I don’t want you to
pity me. I don’t want you to forgive me out of mercy. So I will be honest with
you and share with you that part of me as best as I can through these written
words.
After you left I was a shadow of the man I
used to be. I spent days and weeks in a state of alcoholic stupor and drowned
myself in my own sorrow. Don’t doubt for a second that I regretted my decision
to follow my father’s commands every step of the way. My wedding day was the
worst day of my life and I drank so much brandy I hardly remember the ceremony.
Victoria attempted to seduce me several
times but I never imbibed spirits so much that I would succumb to her games. After
my mother’s death however, I lost myself in an endless circle of self-pity and
pain, which I survived by drinking even more avidly.
It was after a night of particularly heavy
drinking, that I woke in bed next to Victoria. I didn’t know how it happened. I
didn’t remember the night before. But it didn’t take much guesswork to decipher
what had occurred the night prior.
I felt disgusted with myself. I had
finally failed you and our love in every regard. I ran to London and stopped
drinking. I focused on my family’s investments — which my father had neglected
even before my mother’s death — and avoided Victoria and any reminder of my
failure to you.
I thought of going after you and forsaking
my family, but after how I had so thoroughly betrayed our love I didn’t think I
deserved it. Months after that dreadful night, Victoria appeared on our London
townhouse. You cannot begin to imagine my horror when I realised she was
carrying and that it was my child. I had dreamt for so long of the day you
would carry my children and it felt to me like a travesty that this woman that
broke us apart was now the vessel of a child that should have been ours.
I wasn’t so heartless as to blame an
innocent babe for my own mistakes. So I allowed Victoria’s presence in the townhouse
and I made sure she was under the care of the best physicians. Victoria was
still under the illusion that I would come to forget you one day, thus she
pushed and pushed to be included in my life more. She wanted a marriage in
truth. She wanted my love and I couldn’t give her either of those things.
After a particularly nasty argument — I
can’t even remember about what exactly we were fighting — she followed me as I
was trying to leave the house. I was descending the stairs when I heard her
scream as she fell down. I watched in horror as she rolled down the stairs and
stopped at the bottom in a heap of fabric and blood. Oh, Bella, there was so
much blood.
I will never be able to erase the memory
of Victoria’s and Elizabeth’s blood spilling at the bottom of the stairs. I
called out for help, and the surgeon did everything he could. However, nothing
could save Elizabeth. She died before she was able to take her first breath
into this world and once again it had been my fault.
I swore after that day that I would try to
learn to live the life I have chosen when I did not run away with you. I tried
to be a husband to Victoria, tried to mend the pain I’d caused her with my
indifference and with the lost of our daughter. Victoria was so broken and it was
all my fault. I’d broken you and I’d broken her and I’d broken me. I break and
take and break.
I couldn’t pretend though, not for a
lifetime. It sickened me and one day I had enough. You must know from Alice how
well that conversation between Victoria and I went. She refused to divorce me
and tried to kill herself.
I returned to London and left Victoria at
Masen house. It may seem cruel but I believe that had I stayed one of us would
have finally destroyed the other. I’m convinced that we are toxic to each
other. I wish Victoria could see that as clearly as I do.
I’ve told you already of how I submerged
myself in work and tried to mute my need for you. Five years later, it only
took one mention of your name and I was standing before your door anxious to
catch a glimpse of you. But I could not stop with just a glimpse.
I know it’s terribly selfish of me to ask
more of you than I have already taken. But Bella, without you I’m not even
alive. You’re my life. So thank you for keeping an open mind, for allowing me a
small chance at winning your trust and love back. Thank you for saying that you feel as
strongly for me as you did five years ago. I live for the day in which I’ve
earned your forgiveness and your love.
Yours, yesterday, now, and tomorrow.
E
-x-X-x-
Dear
E,
There are many things I would change if I
could turn back time. However, I don’t think I would change the experiences
I’ve have or the people I’ve met through the years. I think they each had a
hand in making me the person I’m today. You may be sad about my newfound
caution when it comes to my approach to life, but in a way I think that I
needed that experience. Life is not as I imagined it when I was sixteen and one
day I would have learnt that lesson regardless of what anyone did to protect
me.
There is a part of me that wishes— like
you do — that we could have a regular courtship and you could be welcomed at my
home like you were before. There is a part of me that still resents you and
needs the space to truly forget about the pain you caused me. So in a way I
think this manner of communication works in your favour. I am not ready to be
near you for extended periods of time. You still affect me in ways I can’t even
count. This way I can learn to know the person you are today without any
interference of my convoluted emotions whenever I’m in any proximity of you.
In regards to your past, Alice did convey
part of it to me. In a way I’m thankful that she did as well. I’m not certain
what my reaction would have been if you were the one to recount that part of
your past to me. I will confess that the idea of you and Victoria together in
any way bothers me. I try not to dwell on that part of our time apart — even
though logically I know that you have been married to her a long time and it was
only normal of you to be with her in that way. It still vexes me greatly so, I
rather not think of it.
I can’t completely ignore it or disregard
it because that also made you the man you’re today. I was incredibly sorry to
hear about your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like
to you. The simple notion of losing one’s child makes my heart clench in
anguish. I wish I had been here to soothe you. I wish I had been able to share
in your pain for it must have been too great for a single person to bear. I
loved you, I still do. Your pain is my pain and as much as it hurts me to think
of you and your wife having a child together. I cannot help but love that child
you lost, because it was part of you and you loved her. I love you with all my
being. Every part of you, even the parts that have caused me great pain.
Yes, you are responsible for your
decisions. Yes, it was your choice to follow your father’s mandates and marry
Victoria. Yes, you have caused me great pain. Yes, you may place the blame for
all of those situations on your shoulders, but never for an instant think that
what happened to Elizabeth was in any way your fault. It was a horrible
tragedy, one that I wish you had been spared, but it was an accident. Nothing
you could have done would have avoided the ultimate outcome. Even if you
relented and faked a love that didn’t exist to make Victoria happy. If it was
God’s will to take Elizabeth to his kingdom so early in her short life, nothing
you could have done would have avoided it.
If there’s one thing I have learnt in our
time apart is that everything happens for a reason. I believe with all my being
that if we would have been allowed to marry at the time we desired to do so. If
there hadn’t been any obstacles for our union, our love would have been weak as
your parents’ love was. You would have been cold towards me and I would have
been happy to live in the countryside with our children while you entertained
mistresses in London.
Our lives would not have been fulfilled to
the utmost of their potentials, for we were foolish, romantic children. We knew
nothing of pain or heartache, and life is full of both. I will keep an open
mind. I will hope for a day in which you and I can be together and I will try
with all my strength to put the past behind us, where it belongs.
You and I, were not a simple fairy tale
like the one I dreamt about when I was sixteen. Somehow though, I believe we
are more.
Forever hoping,
B
-x-X-x-
Dear
B,
I need to see you.
Yours,
E
-x-X-x-
I clasp and unclasp my hands nervously as
I look out the window. Edward is due any minute now and my nerves are frazzled,
my heart pounding. Edward’s last note was short but to the point. He needs to
see me. Why? I don’t know.
With
aunt Leah’s begrudging assistance I was able to send my parents away, under the
guise that Aunt Leah needed to do some shopping. Trusting Aunt Leah as they do they didn’t
hesitate or doubted her when she requested they go along with her on this
shopping excursion. I begged off by claiming I was coming down with a cold and
didn’t want to risk catching a chill.
I
feel a bit guilty remembering the way my parents advised me to stay in bed as
they left. I so easily lied to them. However, it was necessary. After weeks of
exchanging nothing but letters and polite salutes whenever we happened to cross
paths, I too need to see Edward.
So
many things were said in those letters and so many things have changed in his
life, I’m scared and excited about what the future holds.
In
recent weeks, after Peter’s hasty departure, Edward has endeavoured to obtain a
divorce from Victoria. It has been an scandal that I could not avoid but hear
about every time I attended a soiree or tea party. Apparently, Victoria has
been secretly meeting Lord Riley Biers, an infamous rake who had no qualms to
assist Edward in giving proof of his affair with Victoria in exchange of what I
guess was a very sizable sum of money from Edward.
I
would feel bad for Victoria, but after our last encounter I find very little
compassion in me towards her. Her decisions have led her towards this path, and
she has only herself to blame for the current state of affairs.
I
turn in time to see Bessie enter my private parlour. She has strict
instructions to lead Edward to this room as soon as he arrives, making sure
that no ones sees him.
“Miss,”
Bessie whispers and I nod, silently giving my acquiescence to her to let Edward
in. After years together she understands instantly and turns again to open the
door she closed behind her.
Edward
appears before me, and I feel all the air leave me at the sight of him. It
seems silly to be this affected by his presence after all the years spent apart,
but after having had a taste of him in my life I seem to have become addicted
to him all over again.
Bessie
leaves us quietly and before I can react Edward brings me into his arms and
buries his nose in my neck. I snuggle into his embrace and for the first time
in a very long time I feel the same bubbling joy I used to feel in Edward’s
presence when we were young.
“Isabella,”
he breathes against my neck as tears of joy escape my eyes, unbidden. It’s the
type of reunion I imagined for us whenever I dreamed of a world in which Edward
hadn’t married Victoria. The type of reunion we were never allowed to have.
“I
missed you so,” Edward whispers as he places a gentle kiss against my neck. “It
felt like forever since the last time I saw you. I don’t ever want to be away
from you for so long.”
I
tighten my arms around him, in complete agreement with him. No matter what the
future holds for us, I know I can’t relinquish Edward completely like I once
did. Even if we can never marry I have to have Edward in my life in some way.
Edward
wipes my tears with the pad of his thumb while I try to get my emotions under
control. He’s here for a reason, and sadly we don’t have time on our side. The
longer he stays, the more I threaten to sully my family’s reputation.
“What’s
wrong?” I ask Edward as soon as I’m able to collect myself. I can tell from his
expression that whatever has brought him here today it’s important.
“The
judge has ruled in my favour. I’m to be granted a divorce from Victoria. By the
end of this month the proceedings will be finalised and I will be free to marry
whomever I wish.”
My
hands tremble as I realise the significance of this news. Edward grabs my hands
in his and kisses my knuckles.
“Victoria
is livid, her family is outraged However, they can hardly blame me or make any
claims after how thoroughly Lord Biers described his encounters with Victoria.
Even Jasper apologised to me on behalf of his sister. They are ashamed, but I
do not want their shame. I simply want them to leave me be, so that when I can
have the right to court you openly, they do not dare interfere like they did
once.”
I’m
shocked and thrilled by Edward’s words. After weeks of hearing whispers about
Edward’s divorce, I never imagined it would become a reality so soon. I never
let myself dream that Edward’s promises were sincere, that he was willing to
risk everything to be with me. This knowledge fills me with such happiness I
can scarcely comprehend it. I am cognisant of the fact that this is what I
wanted him to do all those years ago, throw caution to the wind and do whatever
he needed to in order to be with me. It’s what I was more than willing to do.
Now,
it leaves a bittersweet feeling inside me as I realise that much of the hurt we
have both endured could have been avoided if only he had been this brave five
years ago. I try to stop my mind from wandering to such dark places since I
know that dwelling on the past will solve nothing and will only bring me
sadness.
“What
does this mean?” I dare ask, because I need answers, I need a compass, some
inkling into what awaits in the future.
“It
means that I’ll soon be calling on your door openly. It means that I’ll be able
to court you and dance with you. It means that I’ll be able to marry you… if
you’ll have me,” Edward replies, the last part a hopeful whisper.
I
look down, flushing. I’m so torn. My feelings for Edward have flourished anew
since we started exchanging letters. However, I can forget about Peter. He has
given me this time to decide what I want.
I
hate this. I hate the doubts. I hate that no matter what I decide, no matter
what path I choose, someone will get hurt by my choices.
“What
is it, love?” Edward enquires in a worried tone, tilting my face up so that I
meet his eyes.
“I’m
scared,” I confess. “I’m scared of loving you again. Scared of giving you my
heart and having you break it again. I want to let go of the past and be able
to welcome you into my life without having this nagging sense of foreboding
that I’ll get hurt once again.”
I
can see Edward’s eyes cloud with sadness at my words and I hate myself or it,
for my lack of trust, my lack of courage.
“All
I am asking is a chance,” he murmurs. “A chance to prove myself to you, to
prove you I’m ready to fight, to be there for you in whatever capacity you’ll
have me. I’m scared too. So, so scared, Bella. I haven’t forgiven myself for
the hurt I’ve caused you. I’m tired of dwelling in the what ifs, though. I want
a future with you and the only way we will find out if we can be together is by
risking our hearts and be together. I’m doing all I can to make that into a
real possibility. Now I need you to trust me, one last time. I know it’s not an
easy thing to ask of you, not after what I’ve put you through. But I’m asking you,
with all my heart, to give me a chance, give us a chance to be, once again,
Edward and Bella, together.”
My
heart melts at Edward’s words. The ice wall I’d built around it melting at the
honesty and passion I can hear in his voice. He really wants this as much as I
do. I burrow myself against Edward’s side, and make myself say what my heart
feels, “I want us to be together too.”
I
can feel Edward’s smile against my neck as he places a gentle kiss on my
throat.
We
are both smiling like fools as we take seats next to each other and Edward
tells me of his plans for the future. He wants us to move to the countryside
once we are married, to avoid the rumours that will surely ensue after his
divorce and our wedding.
For
the first time in years I allow myself to imagine Edward and me in our meadow,
surrounded by our children, and the image brings a genuine smile to my face.
“All
I’m concerned about now that the judge has ruled in my favour is that Victoria
could retaliate against you or your family,” says Edward, interrupting my happy
thoughts. “She’s very much aware that I’m divorcing her to be with you, and I
anticipate that she will likely find a way to drag you through the mud since
she has little to lose now.”
“What
should I do?” I ask concerned. I don’t want to shame my father or worry my
mother and Aunt Leah.
“Alice
is going to Masen House along with Jasper for the remainder of her pregnancy.
She needs peace and quiet and Jasper feels she won’t get that in London with my
divorce imminent. Would you care for going with her? Take your parents and your
aunt, they would love it there and I’ll be much more relaxed knowing that you
are ways away from Victoria’s poisonous presence.”
I
nod in agreement. Having once encountered the venom of her words I do not want
to expose myself or my family to her, ever again, if I can avoid it.
“Won’t
your father be cross with you for inviting us to Masen House?” I question,
knowing how loathe Lord Carlisle is of me.
“He’s
hardly ever there. He prefers the solitude of our estate in Scotland, but if by
any chance he happens to visit Alice and find you there I can assure you he’ll
be the one hiding in shame. For it’s after all through his actions that I’ve
reached this point in my life. We’ve had words, he and I, and he knows of my
feelings towards his greed and his influence in my life. He’ll not interfere
with my life ever again if he knows what’s good for him.”
While
Edward speaks, I can see the man that half of London fears. The fearsome
businessman he became during my absence and I’m sure that if Lord Carlisle
dares to cross him, he’ll be faced with dire consequences.
That
night, after having convinced my parents and Aunt Leah that a visit to Masen
House will do us all great good, I lie in bed thinking. I think of sorrows past
and promises of happiness, and I drift into a peaceful slumber, full of
bluebells, and meadows and the laughter of children.
-x-X-x-
Song
inspiration for this chapter: One and Only — Adele
In reality, Edward and Bella are already
taking a big risk simply by exchanging the personal letters they’ve exchanged.
Back then something said in a letter could be used in court and it often had
the same weight as a written contract. Therefore, letters tended to be friendly
and impersonal. So their letters would be the 19th century
equivalent of sexting. Lol That’s why they only use their initials, in case you
were wondering.
By the way, so sorry for the long wait. My
life has been a roller coaster these past months. As soon as I finished my
exams I got a job and now I’m still in training. I wake up at five am, go to
work and return home around seven. All I want to do is see my bed at night. Not
a great excuse but the only one I have.
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