DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight as much as I wish I did.
HISTORICAL DISCLAIMER: I love History but I'm not a historian. So please forgive any mistakes I've made. They were made out of ignorance and not on purpose.
In our last chapter…
"Of course, I'll wait for you," she replied with a soft smile.
As soon as Edward's back was turned and he closed the door behind her, Bella walked to the piano, wishing to learn the name of the song he had so artfully played for her.
She lifted the sheet in her hands and they trembled as she read the title on it.
* Liebesträume (Dreams of Love)
-x-X-x-
Had he meant anything with his song choice?Bella tried to shake those ideas from her mind since they would surely lead to heartbreak. She couldn't afford to entertain any romantic thoughts about her husband.
"He meant nothing by the gesture. It was simply a song," she told herself, trying in earnest to regain her composure before Edward returned.
"Everything is set. Are you ready to leave?" called Edward, taking Bella out of her muddled thoughts. She hastily dropped the sheet of music and walked towards the window that looked over the front garden. She tried to act as if nothing at all had happened since Edward left, though a world of doubts were swirling around her mind.
Bella smiled sweetly as Edward walked to her, offering his arm for her to take.
"It's a lovely day outside," Edward commented as he opened the door for Bella. "I was thinking I would show you the lake, and some of the gardens. Maybe, we could visit the stables? Are you fond of riding?"
Bella smiled sweetly at her husband, dispelling from her mind the last of her confused musings. "Yes, I am quite fond of riding, although I have not had the chance since…" She stopped abruptly, remembering the last time she had ridden a horse in the company of her father.
Edward didn't need her to complete the sentence to deduce her unfinished thought. He had heard what a skilful rider Bella's father had been, and he likely had passed on his love for the sport to his only daughter. He could imagine Bella happily riding with her father one lovely afternoon in one of their country estates before disaster struck and she lost him.
"Then we must ride this afternoon," Edward invited. "I insist," he added when he saw a shadow cross Bella's features.
"As you wish," she replied tentatively. It had been a while since her last ride and she wasn't sure she was prepared to deal with the sad memories that would surely ensue from the once-favourite activity. However, she was excited about finding out more about this man that she now called husband and who was no more than a stranger to her, a stranger she was starting to care about in spite of what her mind warned her.
-x-X-x-
"I wasn't always skilful in the art of seduction. One has to start somewhere, and at twelve years old, the best idea I had was to jump over that pond while riding an infamously wild horse. I thought it would make me look dashing and courageous in the eyes of Lady Moore. All I achieved was to be the laughingstock of the gathering," Edward continued.
"Oh my… you are referring to the same Lady Victoria Moore, now Lady Blackheath?" Bella inquired with surprise.
"The one and only," Edward replied, sipping from his glass of wine.
"Then I must say your honour was saved from a most unsuitable match. She's infamous for having several affairs, and it's even said that two of her three children are not Lord Blackheath's but Lord Chamber's, one of her most renowned lovers," Bella stated with mirth.
"I didn't take you for one to gossip, dearest wife."
Bella blushed profusely at the endearment and looked away embarrassed.
"I am not," she defended. "However, one cannot help but hear certain things. And my mother's friends did love a good gossip."
Edward placed a finger under Bella's chin to turn her face in his direction again. Once she was looking at him, he gently brushed a finger against her warm cheek.
He was so used to the practised seduction of Tanya and 'ladies' of her ilk that he was deeply touched by Bella's innocent allure. She enticed him without even being aware of her actions. All he wanted to do when she blushed in this manner was to kiss her soundly until she was dizzy with desire.
He knew from their wedding night that her blush extended to her sweet bosom, and he longed to kiss its sweetness again, to pepper her with kisses and suck the delicate buds into his mouth until she was writhing beneath him.
He couldn't help but smile sardonically at how much a simple blush could make him crave Bella when in the past it had taken his lovers a whole set of techniques to keep his interest for more than a few minutes.
He was fickle — he knew it — so to have his entire being enraptured by his wife's sweet appeal for the length of a whole afternoon was nothing short of a miracle in his mind.
"You have no idea how lovely you look when you blush this way," Edward said, caressing Bella's lower lip tenderly.
Bella felt dazed by Edward's touch, but the memory of what she had witnessed the night before made her pull back. She needed some space from him so that she could think clearly.
"Thank you," she replied shyly, looking towards the lake that was just a few steps away from them. A soft breeze helped clear her mind and cool her face a bit.
Bella felt so compelled to surrender, to give herself to the feelings Edward stirred within her, but her better judgement and the memory of how easily he could hurt her made her retreat.
"You don't trust me," Edward stated in a low voice.
Bella flinched at the tone in his voice. He sounded almost hurt. Somehow, and in spite of how he had hurt her last night, the last thing she wanted was to cause him any kind of distress.
"I don't know you enough yet," she replied after a few moments of silence.
Edward didn't know why, but he badly needed her trust.
"We'll work on getting to know each other," he said as he poured a glass of wine and handed it to Bella.
She smiled at him sweetly and took the offered wine from his hand.
"It's an odd situation we find ourselves in. Usually marriages in our class are arrangements of the same nature as the one we have. However, the parties pretend otherwise whereas we are truly aware of the status of our relationship. We each need something from the other that can only be gained through marriage. Somehow, I feel like the fact that we both acknowledge our predicament is what makes our behaviour so awkward. Do you think it would have been easier if we pretended like everyone else?" Bella mused.
"I don't know. I don't think so. I've seen the marriages of many of my friends. Trying to pretend something that isn't takes a lot more effort than it's worth. I am glad we are honest with each other. I think a marriage, even one like ours which is mainly of convenience, will have a better chance of being successful if honesty is the basis for it."
"I agree," Bella said as she stood up. "What about that horse ride you promised?"
Edward smiled mischievously and rose as well, taking Bella's hand in his. He bowed gently and replied, "Whatever the lady wishes."
-x-X-x-
"It has been in my family for generations. I hardly noticed the luxury because for a long time, at least until my mother passed away, I didn't know any different. I was sure that this was the way everyone in England lived."
"How pretentious of you," Bella teased but immediately regretted her words for they sounded judgemental and disdainful to her ears.
Edward, noticing the bashful blush that tinted Bella's cheeks, rushed to reassure her. "Do not worry. I think it was pretentious as well. Until my mother passed, I hardly left the estate. My mother loved nature and riding was her passion, so she tried to avoid going to London as much as her responsibilities as the Duchess of Devonshire allowed. My father was too infatuated with her to cross her by forcing her to go to London with him when Parliament was in session. I remember them going back and forth from London to here, just so they wouldn't be apart for long."
Bella caressed the mane of the mare she was riding, trying not to let her face show just how curious she was about Edward's past.
"Your father loved your mother very much," she stated after a quiet moment.
"Yes, he did," Edward replied in a sad tone.
"Please don't feel like you have to talk about them," Bella hurriedly assured, as she noticed the frown forming between Edward's eyebrows.
"No, it's fine. I like to talk about my childhood. It was very idyllic and I cannot complain, for I was loved by my parents unconditionally. At least until my father lost the ability to love, that is."
"You mean when your mother died," Bella whispered, as she sensed an air of solemnity descending between them. It was obvious that this part of Edward's story was as painful for him as it was sacred.
"Yes," Edward sighed before he stopped his horse. He descended from the beast and helped Bella dismount as well. They had reached a bridge that crossed over a small river traversing the estate. One could admire most of the estate's beauty from that spot.
They stood together, gazing at the lovely sunset and the lands that extended beyond where their eyes could reach. Bella thought the subject of Edward's parents was closed. However, after a few silent minutes, Edward grabbed Bella's hand and started drawing patterns in it absentmindedly as he continued.
"My mother was so different from what you would expect from a lady of our society. She had a temperament that made you feel at ease in her company. She was also very energetic and jovial. She brought light into any room she walked into. Even though she was hardly conventional, she had many suitors due to her great beauty and fortune. My father was the typical stiff aristocrat and one would think a woman like my mother would never agree to marry such man. Or if she did, she would do so to please her parents with the advantageous alliance.
"My mother was not built like that though. She refused an arranged marriage, and let her parents know in no uncertain terms that she would only marry for love. When she first met my father, she didn't like him very much. She always used to say she thought he was as boring as throwing pebbles into a bucket." Edward laughed at the memory.
"How did they finally fall in love and marry?" Bella asked, far too interested in the story. It brought a small spark of hope to her heart. Maybe love was not an essential ingredient in her marriage, but there were other marriages out there that were based on love. Her parents' marriage had not been a fluke.
"It's an amusing story actually." Edward smiled and turned his eyes towards the horizon. "My father was outside, hiding at a ball. He was trying to escape some unwanted attention from a debutante who didn't understand he was not interested in courting her. He had seen my mother at this point, but in spite of her beauty and his attraction to her, he wasn't sure if she was what was needed in a Duchess of Devonshire. He was walking in the garden when he saw her near a pond.
"He observed her for a while because she seemed to be talking with someone. Then he realized that the 'someone' she was talking to was in reality a small dog. She was scolding the dog because he dug a big hole in the muddy earth near the water and his paws were filthy. According to my dad, that's when he knew she was the one for him. Here was this beautiful girl sitting in the grass, scolding a puppy for being naughty. She didn't care about her expensive dress, or what someone would think if they happened to catch her in that position. My father started his pursuit of her that very night. However, my mother was not so easily convinced the Duke was the man for her."
Bella giggled at this point of the story, imagining the many tests the Duchess must had put the Duke through before accepting his proposal.
"My mother always said it was my father's persistence that convinced her. Anyone who was willing to put up with her strange hobbies, her love for animals, and her ideas about how the world should be was worth her time according to her. Still, it took my father a year and half to convince her to marry him."
"It's a lovely story," Bella sighed.
"It doesn't have a happy ending," Edward murmured.
Bella's heart clenched at hearing the pain that was palpable in Edward's voice. She grabbed his hand tightly in hers, touched by how honest and open he was being with her. Despite their current situation, she couldn't help but feel hope with the signs of how Edward was trying to make things right between them, more bearable.
Last night had meant a significant setback in their relationship, but today had already emboldened her enough that she thought she might have made the right choice marrying Edward after all.
"What happened to her?" Bella dared ask after a silent moment.
"She was so stubborn, and wilful. No one could tell her what to do, and she often took risks without considering the consequences. My father always said that I had inherited those traits from her. She loved all her horses very much, but she had this mare that she had raised since it was a newborn. The mare had fallen ill, and no one could diagnose what was wrong with her.
"My mother was alone at home, only the servants were keeping her company. I was at school, and father was in London. She took care of the mare every night, slept in the stables with her and nursed her back into health. Everyone told her she should not. Everyone told her she was risking her health sleeping in the cold floor, in the dead of winter in a stable. No matter how comfortable our stables are, they are not fit for sleeping, let alone during one of the cruellest winters we ever had. Also, I found out later that she had recently suffered from a miscarriage and was weakened already. She succumbed to a fever before my father could be notified; when he arrived she had already passed. That very same night, my father walked into the stables and shot the mare my mother had saved. It was all for nothing. She died for nothing."
Bella could see in Edward's face that if his pride had allowed it he would have been crying.
There was nothing to be said after that. What could Bella say that would lessen the pain? What could she do to make the memory less sour? Nothing. She resolved she would just keep him company. Let him deal with his demons and find comfort in silence and in her gentle touch. No words would ever convey the depth of his pain or the enormity of his loss.
-x-X-x-
The manor was old. The night was windy. There were noises that would make the bravest of girls afraid of her shadow. However, what was keeping her awake was the thought that her husband was sleeping just a room away from hers.
Bella hated to admit it, but she had come to crave her husband's presence in the short days since their wedding. Moreover now that things between them were not limited to the bedroom and he was sharing more of himself with her.
She didn't want to fool herself into thinking her marriage could turn into a real marriage, a love-match so easily. But there was this spark in her heart, this tiny little spark of hope that no matter how much she tried to put out, just kept getting brighter and brighter with every kind word, every new revelation from her husband.
She had learned that Edward was not the unfeeling bastard she had initially thought him to be. He had loved his parents very much, and she could infer from how hard it had been for him to discuss his mother's death this afternoon, that losing her had affected him deeply.
He felt; he was capable of love. But was he capable of loving her?
Bella groaned and turned her head into her pillow, trying to smother the thoughts that were keeping her awake. It was far more dangerous for her to have hope than it was not to. She had tried all day to stop herself from fantasising about a life much different from hers, one in which Edward genuinely cared for her. A life in which her father was alive and she didn't have to marry to save her mother and herself from poverty. A life in which Edward courted her — not because he needed an heir to inherit his father's fortune — but because he saw her at a ball and thought her agreeable, beautiful even.
It was detrimental to her peace of mind to dwell on things that simply weren't possible, and yet she could not stop her mind from wandering.
The windy night soon turned into a stormy one, which suited Bella's mood. The lightning helped her focus on something different than her traitorous thoughts. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to finally be lulled into sleep by the sounds of the storm brewing outside, trying to ignore the one brewing inside her.
-x-X-x-
However, as he looked at the lightning and listened to the storm wreaking havoc outside, he could not help but notice that his mind was more focused on his wife. He had been trying to listen to any sound coming from the bedroom she now occupied ever since they retired for bed. He could hardly blame his parents for his newfound obsession with everything that related to Bella. He could hardly blame his emotions towards his mother's death for the urge he felt to go to his wife's room just to watch her sleep.
He had been bargaining with his own mind for the last few minutes, trying to convince himself that he need not check on her. That she was safe and probably sound asleep. That she was fine in her room, by herself.
No reasoning seemed to work so far though. He wanted to see her. He wanted to make sure she was indeed safely tucked in. There was an instinct of protectiveness, a desire to be near her that was driving him mad.
He had never felt this way. Never.
Finally accepting that he would not find sleep until he followed his compulsion, he got himself off the bed and walked towards his wife's bedroom.
Edward was very careful not to make a noise that would alert his wife to his actions. He did not want to aggravate her or scare her; he just wanted a glimpse. Just a tiny glimpse of her, so he could finally rest his mind and sleep.
The lightning illuminated the night from time to time, leaving utter darkness in its wake. Edward realized he would be too easily discovered by Bella if he carried a candle. So, he decided to forego one so as not to be found out.
He knew these rooms like the palm of his hand, so without too much hassle he managed to reach his wife's bedroom. He carefully placed an ear against the door, not daring to breathe. The room was silent, only the sound of the wind howling outside was discernible.
Carefully, he opened the door until he could make out a form lying in bed. He could not determine if Bella was sleeping or if she was awake, but he decided to take the risk nonetheless.
The impulse to go to her was too strong to overcome. He needed to see her, and if Bella was indeed awake and not fast asleep as he hoped, he would have to simply improvise a lie. He was a superb liar as it was. Years of lying to his father when he knew that he would not approve of his actions or the woman he was bedding at the time had taught him to conjure the most convincing excuses.
Soon he found himself by Bella's side. He could barely see her face in the darkness of the night, but he saw enough to make his breathing stop. She was dressed in a sheer nightgown, probably part of her trousseau. It was white — and compared to the nightgowns Tanya often used — it was innocent. However, Edward's eyes were glued to the shape of Bella's breasts as they rose and fell every time she inhaled and exhaled.
Her skin seemed to have an ethereal glow. Her mouth slightly opened, her pink lips, her soft cheeks seemed to call for Edward to taste them.
He should have felt ashamed of observing his wife while she slept. He should have walked away and try to garner a few hours of sleep himself.
He could not; in spite of what his conscience was telling him was right.
Gently, he seated himself next to Bella. He was careful not to move the bed while he sat. Softly, he caressed Bella's mouth with his fingertips, her cheeks, her eyelids.
It all seemed so surreal to him. He had never felt any urge to share a bed with a woman before, after his more base desires had been sated all he usually wanted was the woman gone. He wanted solitude. He never had the desire to appreciate every detail of her figure like one would appreciate a work of art.
Ever since he had met his wife just a few days prior, he had felt nothing but the need, the urge to admire her. He found himself engrossed in the curve of her neck, the suppleness of her bosom. He had had the strangest desire to place his head on her chest while they were having a picnic on his estate's gardens this afternoon. It was not a desire of a sexual nature, he just wanted to place his head above her chest and listen to the gentle beat of her heart.
It had taken all the control he possessed not to follow his instinct to do so. He had concluded that after last night's incident with that dreadful girl, he needed to give Bella some space. He needed to make her trust him. Make her see that even though they have come to be husband and wife in the most unfortunate of circumstances, he had every intention to keep his word to her.
He would be faithful as he had promised. He would take care of her and their child.
A bolt of lightning lit the room for a split second. Long enough for Edward to appreciate the glorious beauty that was his wife.
Overwhelmed by a feeling he could not comprehend, Edward placed a soft kiss in Bella's mouth.
"Edward," Bella mumbled into Edward's lips.
Afraid that she might have awakened, he rose from bed, trying to put as much space as possible between them.
When after a couple of minutes she didn't move or speak any further words Edward realized what had happened.
She was dreaming of him. It might be a silly dream, something about the hours spent together earlier. It might be a dream about a different Edward she had read in a book, or an Edward she had met somewhere else. The name was quite common after all.
None of this diminished the emotion that was borne in Edward's chest at this realization. In a split of a second Edward understood how his father had felt after losing his mother. He had never placed much credit in the love story he was told many times over about his parents' romance. How with a simple act that anyone else would have found strange, his mother had managed to ensnare the heart of the Duke of Devonshire for herself.
Now he knew. Love did exist. Love was as real as the rain falling outside this bedchamber. Love was as sudden as the storm that had obscured the afternoon skies. Love was as altering as the wind that was blowing his fury and leaving a changed world behind. For his world had turned on its axis, and he was no longer the same Edward that had walked into this room.
His life had been an unending night ever since his mother had passed. Nothing could satisfy or fill the hole that was left inside his heart. No amount of sex, no amount of liquor, no amount of gambling had ever made him feel as full as he felt at that moment.
Edward gazed into Bella's unconscious face, feeling his newly discovered love for her seeping into every space of a soul he had once considered empty.
He was in love with his wife. And although this knowledge brought a feeling of indescribable joy to his heart, it also brought a paralyzing feeling of dread.
He knew that if things played out according to the agreement he had reached with Bella, his happiness had its days numbered.
As he placed a gentle kiss on Bella's lips, he began to plot. While he closed the door behind him and as he laid his head on his pillow, he continued to shape his plan.
For if there was one thing Edward was sure of, it was that now that fate had deemed him worthy of a blessing as magnificent as Bella was to him, he would not let her slip through his fingers.
Bella would love him. His happiness was dependent on that fact.
I especially want to thank Chrisska, Rhian0000 and ordinary_vamp for all their love and the fact that they still get excited over me writing even though I'm not that good and I don't do it often. They are the best cheerleaders anyone could ask for.
I know some people may be annoyed that I make you wait so long for updates. I'm aware that's annoying, but RL always comes first with me. If you really want to know how this story ends I suggest waiting till I hit "complete" that way no one gets mad at me.
Oh and I hope everyone noticed my little nod to Midnight Sun in this chapter. I thought that it was fitting that Edward realized he loved Bella this way. :)
0 comments:
Post a Comment